slight progress

I have not done any creative work for about 4 months now, but I can feel some lifting in the creative mood at times!  a couple of days ago I found myself on unsplash.com looking at copyright free images to hopefully bring the muse out from hiding.  that was the moment it seemed I might be trying to feel the urge to create.  it was a little step, but for me it made me tear up.

I've been dreading picking up the pencil and paintbrush again.  thinking that I might have lost the talent I have acquired in the last few years.  that I would have to struggle to gain any ground again.  I became more depressed thinking that I might not get it back.  it might have been a fluke that I had been able to paint something that resembled what I was going for.  I had been circling the drain for too long, and I couldn't find my way out of danger.

going online to even look at reference photos was a minute of celebration for my creative urges!  I couldn't say I was back, but I was tip-toeing my way there.

and, today, the urge struck!  I got out my journal and pencil and sketched out 'the afghan girl', which is a favorite subject of mine.  this was a quick, loose sketch, with my hand at the end of the pencil to make it even more loose.  my sweetie even noticed the new pencil hold.  and it worked!  it was a fun way to put feeling into the paper.

it's not perfect.  thats not what I was after.  I needed to play with it, to not care about the outcome but to feel the creative juices flowing in me again.  to see where I stood.

did I lose anything while in my artistic deep freeze?  I lost 4 months of flow.  I lost some self esteem in the moment.  but talent?  no, I didn't lose my talent.  it's still there.  I dont have to worry.

I might not get out the brushes and canvas tomorrow, but I am yet another step toward that jumping in point.  I put my toe in, and it felt good!

we'll see how this season goes.  September is when I normally go downhill, only to come back up when spring lengthens the daylight again.  this year, what is usually a short depression in June/July turned into this huge dark scary storm.  I'm hoping that this years SAD depression will be slight, but I'm still roughing it.  it's still scary at times.  the depression and anxiety get to be this living breathing being that sits beside me on the couch with my pup.

today I beat it!

( this post is not perfect, either.  I'm being loose with my writing, too, I guess.  I'm getting it out of my head, and thats good, so I'll leave it be.  'done, not perfect'.)

until later,
Jenny

new beginnings, and homes for my beauties

I've got several paintings in progress at the moment.  mostly of the bee variety.  I'm interested to see how I can make them all different and still draw the eye into the scene.  but, I was captivated by a photo in unsplash (a website of royalty-free images I browse for inspiration and reference photos) and knew she needed to be a queen bee for me.  here she is in progress;

I'm hoping I can do her justice.  sweeties words keep coming to me when I have these doubts;  "I know you can figure it out, you always do".  he is the best support.

ah, doubt.  I was talking to an artist friend of mine- a REAL LIFE friend who lives nearby!- and discussing why it's sometimes so difficult for me to get to the studio.  this doubt of mine.  this anxiety, this depression.  it's always whispering in my ear.  every painting I start is a hurdle of self doubt.  should I bother sketching it?  it won't look right, anyways.  and then, when I push thru and get the sketch done I'm being told not to paint it, cause I'll just ruin it.  on good days I can tell these nasty voices where they can stick their opinions.  more often than not I have to fight the demons just to step into the studio to begin the task of finding the good stuff in the paint.  I know it's in there!  I have lots of proof!  but, finding the courage to "begin again" each day, to uncover the beauty from the mud I had made the day before, the push and pull of the paint... sometimes its just a huge battle.

speaking of proof.  some of my collectors have sent me photos of my art in their new homes.  what joyful photos!  and proof that my art is loved and needed in the world.

what a peaceful home these two elephants have found!

some busy bees helping out at orange graphix

I just need to keep plugging away, painting and ignoring the doubt when I can, resting when I need to, and reminding myself that it's the journey not the destination.  I think part of my issue comes from thinking I must get it out there immediately, then I get overwhelmed.  there is a street fair each month in a neighboring town starting next month, and my brain thinks I must crank out product and go sell, sell, sell.  I don't need to do that, or anything else I don't honestly want to do!  I don't own a brick and mortar storefront where I need to be there, and sell.  I'm just here at home doing what I love and letting things evolve naturally.  sweetie just wants me to enjoy myself.   why then do I put myself thru so much pressure?  yikes!  so, again, I'm mindfully pulling back from these big events and the commitment that goes along with them.  if I find I have enough paintings to sell and a desire to run a table (with lots of support from sweetie) then thats what I will do, but I need to stop with the thinking of "what will sell" and paint what I want, when I want.  

honestly, it will create more joyful results, and thats good for everyone!

until later,

Jenny

almost to the end of the challenge

this month has flown by, I've been painting up a storm and being busy in other areas of life.  it's been full.

on Tuesday, the first day of spring I did manage to get two paintings done.  the first one I showed here.  the second one I tried my hand at painting Ganesha, a Hindu deity.  lets just say, it turned out poorly.  last thing I want is to poorly paint a deity, so I gessoed over it and started again.  it still has the touch of Ganesha, though, so all is good.

I went a whole other direction and continued on the 'spring' theme;

Fauna

today I wanted another happy baby and to let go a little;

Play Time

he was a fun little guy to paint!  I love the perky little step he's doing.


you can find all my elephants in my shop by clicking on the collections button, or if you want to wait til the herd is complete and buy an original 3"x3" mini elephant painting from me, they will be $15 each (including the easel) plus shipping and tax if in Massachusetts.


I also did a scary thing!  I've been thinking about it for a bit and finally stepped out of my comfort zone after posting a question on facebook about instagram.  I received several comments about how wonderful it would be for me as an artist, and how 'easy' it is, and with a LOT of online handholding from a friend I set up an account!  let me tell you, for this old lady technophobe, it's hard and took a lot of mental and physical energy to do.  I'm sure I'll get the hang of it soon enough, but hitting buttons I don't know goes to what is always a distressing thing for me.  guess I've accidentally deleted one too many things for me to be comfortable randomly hitting buttons.  but, I DID IT!  so, I'm not sure what to tell you is the name to follow, but I think it's heavenspiritcreations.  I'd do the trick one does to link, but not sure how or where to link to.  like I said, I'll get it, and when I do, I'll let you know!


so, edit; my hand holder told me it IS heavenspiritcreations that you look for! I'll be posting there often, I'm sure.  #heavenspiritcreations #artistjennygabrenas

and with that, a nap is in order!

until later,
Jenny

thinking about the future (and painting progress)

since holding my slightly successful meet and greet on february 6th I've been re-evaluating what I want from my art.  what I want my future to look like and how I can get my hands on that future.

I was surprised to find myself unhappy that the event wasn't more successful.  I thought I'd be pleased that not many people showed up.  and, yes, part of me was happy about that.  since I have pretty crippling social anxiety it was a relief to have empty foot space in that room instead of an hour of wall to wall people.  but, I really want my art to be a beacon of light to others.  I want it to help people with fear, with depression, with hopelessness and sorrow.  I want people to look at my work and to feel happier or hopeful for doing so.  I want to share my light with the world, and in order for that to happen I must have a presence outside of my home.  my art must have a presence outside of my home.

bravery thru the fear...

but I might get hurt

mark and I have discussed my thoughts about shows and fairs.  I want to do them, for the sake of my art and for the people, but not for me.  my heart pounds with the thought.  and, I know, people have told me it's always scary to not know whats going to happen next and with time and experience doing the thing it will get easier.  but, let me tell you, I have been a person on this planet for 50 years now.  Christmases with my own family are hard for me, and I KNOW whats going to happen!  it's always the same, everyone has a good time, except I'm stuck with a stupid anxiety belly that is refusing to believe I won't die because 'people' are coming to the house.  these people I have born to the world and changed diapers. my anxieties are bad, and I'm not sure I can be ok with the stress of shows and fairs with my fibromyalgia and other health issues.  I'm still in a flare a week after my meet and greet.  last night I went to bed at 6:30.

if I was to do any more shows, and I think it is in my future (maybe), mark will have to play a huge roll in it.  he already is, but I fear that I will need more than what he can give me to ensure I don't break.  I don't know how other artists with this level of anxiety make it work, but I've thought about making mark 'cheat sheets' so he can do more of the talking about the art, while I sit in the car or something.

why does it need to be this difficult to be a success in the art world?  can't I just have my blog and fb be the only presence I have?  can't I just throw my art out into these shows and not be there?  why must I claim my mess to the world?  "hi, I'm Jenny- the Artist.  I am here but I'm dying because of it, thanks for looking at my art.  don't talk to me".

I'm going to do some research about where I might be able to show my work in some small-ish communities where I would be *comfortable going to, like Greenfield and Turners Falls, maybe Amherst since it's an artsy town.  meanwhile I'll try to not stress and continue just creating a nice body of work.

*not really

behold the drips!

until later,

Jenny

hubby made this for my personal use...

hubby is a riot, and i love him forever.  after he came home last night to me having a full panic attack, we have been going back and forth with how to phrase this paper to highlight the meet and greet.  he wants it to be specific to, you know, interacting with the artist.  i want less of that.

so, he made this for me

i like this one much better!  hahahahahahahaaaaaa!

we're still working on it.

until later,

jenny

one more week!

sweetie and i will be setting up at the library on thursday morning, and then...

i've asked mark to change the wording to "please do not engage the artist", but he's not going for it.  hehehe.  we may change some of the wording, or not.  this will be placed in the lobby to encourage patrons of the library to come into the room.  mark wanted the photo to be large so people knew who to look for as the Artist.  sigh.  this is so not in my comfort zone, and that hour will be a long and exhausting one for this anxiety ridden social phobic artist.

i'm just about finished with my to do list, that suddenly got a little bigger and stressful a few days ago due to an artist error made to the paintings.  i thought i had ruined them, but hubby saved the day, calmed my brain, and all is well in my world again.

i've decided to have a sale with a huge discount on the paintings i'm willing to let go, as i am needing more wall space and room to put new creations up.  a stagnant home is not a happy one for artists and their work.  creativity needs to flow in and out!  the sale will be for february and march only.  i've told the kids to speak up if they want a particular painting to stay in the family.

it will be nice to be set up in the library after a 10 month build up of lists and stress and anxiety and 'is it good enough-itis'.  february will be a month of self care and reflection and being able to not worry for a second.  i know i will be able to make something up to worry about, but it won't be pressing.  i just don't think shows and fairs are the right thing for me.  not sure how i, as an artist, will be able to get my work out to people if i'm not able to show it, but i'm not going to think about that- or anything- right now!

as of right now, what needs to happen is;


 i need to re-wire my huge elephant painting.
we need to print out the painting bios for people to look at that tell the story behind each painting and their price.
set up on thursday morning(feb 1st) with 19 paintings and 22 minis in the library display case.
tuesday (feb 6th), before the meet and greet, get there early to help my mom set up food (thanks momma).
don't throw up.


i have a shipment of a paint color i need for the skin tone for my huge lightworker canvas and it should be here by the end of the week.  hopefully it is so i can start work on the girl over the weekend and try to keep my mind busy instead of freaking out about having to talk to people.  i've had someone surprise-ask me about my paintings before.  a friend of my mothers is also an artist and we were chatting.  then the conversation went something like this;

her- so, what kind of paintings do you do?
me-  uh... um... nuts, i dont have my phone with me (thinking i could just show her)
her- oh, thats ok (and then changes the subject)

yeah, i'm not very articulate in the flesh.  it takes me a while to formulate coherent sounding words and sentences.  you would think it would be easy for me to talk about my art.  it's what i do; i know the materials i use, i know i sometimes paint intuitively and sometimes have an idea formed before starting, but being able to form these words immediately after the question is asked is pretty difficult for me!

so, say a little prayer that the time goes quickly for me and i don't fumble over my words and stumble over my feet too often.  that people are friendly souls who are curious about my work, and not out to make me look foolish or criticize me in any way.  and that i find something comfortable to wear.  cause thats key.  if i'm not comfortable in my skin that night, it's not gonna be pretty in my head!

thanks, guys, for hanging in there with me!  hopefully i'll get back to the good, painty stuff real soon!

until later,
jenny

50

i turn 50 in a few weeks.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

those are difficult words for me, and i'm not sure why.

i'm kind of conflicted about the whole thing, really.

part of me wants a big bash.  but what would i want a party to be like?  wine-or-other-booze?  somewhere besides my house, for sure.

i want to feel like people care about me enough to celebrate me.  but then, i want to hide from it all and everyone.  because i am not comfortable around people.   because i feel nobody would come anyway.  because most of the people who are in "my tribe" live far away.  because i'm sad i'm turning 50.  because i don't wanna be 'old'.

i think of 50 and i think "i'm almost 70".  i truly think that.

i think back on my daddys' 50th birthday celebration.  he had a tent and a million people (ok, not that many, but a lot) at the farm to celebrate his milestone.  there was tons of food, people brought their instruments to sing, there were toasts made.  but, he was the man.  he was popular and amazing, and so loved in his career.  i stay at home, have never had a job, and stick to myself.  there can be no comparing.  but, why does part of me want a birthday bash when it would stress me out?  do i need the validation that i am worthy of a party, that i made it this far?  do i feel that this is what people do for their 50th, what people do FOR people when they turn 50, and that i'm not loved enough if i'm not given a party?  those expectations are killer, guys, killer!

my mother tells me she took a trip to ireland for her 50th.  at least i think that was the ireland trip.  my momma has always loved traveling and was able to do so.  mark and i don't have the funds to do anything like that, and even if we did, i'd be worried about my pup at home.  and, no, we can't even take her camping because she hates the car!  so, travel is out.

i told mark a bit ago, like 6 months or longer, that this was his to plan for me, thinking it really wasn't right for me to plan my own party.  gave him some ideas, like going to see a live musical.  we tossed around the idea of going to new york city for a big night on the town.  or boston, which is several hours closer to us and could be done in a day, not overnight like NYC.  i basically set myself up for disappointment.  and i haven't bugged him about it for months.  because i'm still unsure that i want anything.  maybe if i just ignore it, i will be ok. (update; we have discussed, and bought tickets to see "evil dead the musical" in worcester, which is even closer to us than boston, a couple days after my actual birthday!)

so, what is it about 50?  mid-life, assuming one lives to be 100 years old.  lord help mark if i do!  has the crisis hit?  i think it hit me a while ago, always thinking of the next big number.  but 50 is B-I-G!  where one looks back on where they were, and looks forward to where they wish to be, and then tries to map out directions from point A to point B.

i know i've come a long way in my life, from that scared little teenage mom struggling to keep her marriage going.  who was told not to come back with a baby if i got married and it didn't work out.  so, i stayed in the marriage for as long as i could, against the advice of my close friend who saw what was really going on.  i've come SO far from that place!

even from the newly bereaved mom place of being couch bound and over sleeping for more than a year.  though i still was strong and brave there, taking on school councillors who didn't understand, two bouts of lice, driving hubby to work, and dealing with police and obtaining a no trespass order against a dude at the cemetery.  i'm not there anymore.  i've come so far, and done such hard work.

i'm now in a good place.  one of creating art and grocery dates with hubby.  life has become placid for me, as placid as i can get anyway.  taking daily walks with pup is an exciting event.

but, where do i want to be in 5 years?  what do i honestly want?  i'm scared to ask for a budding career that will make us money.  scared because of the eyes on me, the travel involved in showing, the stress of commissions and selling.  if i could do anything and not fail... thats exactly what i would do!  if i had no anxiety disorder, sign me up yesterday!

so, how do i get to THAT place with generalized anxiety disorder???  the art show i'm doing in february is a huge step in the right direction.   when mark and i were at the fairgrounds i went to look at the art that was showing, and it interested me and i thought for a second that i could handle that.  i have a friend with a storefront who has suggested i set up to sell my art in her shop, and i have plans to make smaller, affordably priced work for there (after february).  maybe buying some of my art merchandise from my shop along with smaller original work to set up at street fairs and farmers markets in the towns closest to us.  those are some mostly manageable ideas that could help me get to where i would like to end up.

one of my totes, still going strong

i'm still in that wishy-washy place of turning 50, but i think i'm feeling better about my role in the next phase.  while i am still being gentle with my self care for my all over health, i do have these mini quests to check off, so to speak.

still the warrior of my life!

until later,
jenny

i know this

todays nudge was "what is something i know for sure"

well, this i know;  mark loves me with all his soul.

i am a wounded warrior.  my first marriage was a bust, and i have had other man mistakes in my life, so getting to a point of trust was a difficult one.  when mark and i first were dating i would flinch if he moved too fast, and i would be scared out of my wits if i wasn't expecting him and he suddenly showed up in my field of vision.

five years into our marriage, and seven in our relationship, we went thru the chaos of my oldest son dying.  mark was right there with me, but i needed more.  he was having game nights and things were a mess so he quit them for me.  that was a huge sacrifice for him, as that must have been his own life line.  something that could get his mind off of the grief he couldn't fix.

mark has been the soul money maker in our large household and i honestly don't know how he made ends meet.  he did though, or made it seem like he did.  he never wanted me to worry, as that added stress to my already overworked immune system and illnesses.

i've been the sick one, the one in the hospital, at the doctors, having surgeries, and mark has been forever beside me, holding my hand, making sure i was as comfortable as i could be.  even on good days he will tell me to take it easy and rest, knowing if i over-do it one day then the next will be trash.

this sweet, funny man treats me like a queen.  he literally expects nothing from me except for me to love him, and even then he will say he's not worthy (which is bologna and i feel the opposite is true).

mark goes out of his way to be goofy to try to make my day a little brighter.  he only wants to see me smile.  he has supported my choices, no matter how odd they seemed.  he has been with me thru thick and thin, sickness and health, with critters coming out of the woodwork at times, thru my heartache and losses, thru my anxieties and insecurities.  thru all my drama moments.  and he still loves me, fully.

even now, 23 years later, i still have my moments of doubt.  but those moments are so backwards that even my brain realizes these are the fake thoughts of my anxieties.  i know this truth; i am loved by this man.  it's stronger than any love i could have imagined.  and i can rest in this moment, knowing that all is fine.  this moment is perfect.  right here and now is perfect and i don't need to worry.  i am safe.

thank you, mark, for being my heart.  i adore you.

until later,
jenny

day 5- on intrusive thoughts

it's interesting that i posted this to my personal Facebook page this morning;

i don't know, guys. i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing, but i'm really struggling with pretty much everything. the blogging group, while SO incredibly supportive, is kind of freaking me out. and i don't know if it's sharing my own stuff with them and feeling the need to answer each comment made to my blog, or the reading (and absorbing the energies) of their 'stuff', or the having to comment on three blogs for my one share. or all of this. i've subscribed to a couple of the blogs that i found interesting so can continue the relationships there, but thinking i need to back up from sharing in the group and reading and commenting, unless something catches my eye. i need to take care of me and my mental health as much as i can in these rough months.

because i feel it sums up todays prompt nicely...

TODAY’S NUDGE: What is something you struggle with? What battles are you fighting that most people know nothing about? What’s something about you or your life that makes you feel weird, or different, or isolated?

i always call myself 'a delicate flower'.  usually to hubby, in jest (or not) when i'm in the middle of some sensitivity i'm having at the moment.  medicines hit me immediately and hard, i get all the side effects, and then some.  i'm scared of my own shadow it seems.  i pick up others energies and absorb them as they are my own.  i hurt for people i don't know, and must keep the tv off for that reason.  and i'm literally allergic to the cold, which kind of sucks, living in new england.  have i mentioned i'm sensitive?

i've always been emotionally sensitive, since i can remember, but things exploded when my son, winter-orion, and a friend drown in a river at the age of 14.  winter had lived with his father for 4 years before and i saw him every other weekend.  i got the call an hour after he went under, saying they were looking for his body.  time stood still as i found a ride to his town and the location of his accident, and, to make this story shorter, they found his body the next day.  

winter-orion, months before he died, at his confirmation

this was 19 years ago.  i've been without my oldest son for 19 years.  it's such a big part of me, this hole in my chest, that i'm surprised it's not noticeable when people meet me.  i'm good at camouflaging my wounds as most people get to be when they've lived with a disfiguring ailment.  we get good with the makeup that mask the scars, we wear clothes that hide the medical devices attached, or use an artificial limb that most don't notice as they go on their merry lives.  we wear smiles, and now some of them are real, and some of them we use to make sure others are not made uncomfortable.

the back of his headstone,

a poem written by one of his friends

the symbol on top drawn by himself (his initials with a chess pawn)

you see, when there has been a loss, and it gets to be more than a few months after said loss, people are counting on you to get your act together.  to come back to them and be 'normal' again.  but what is normal after this?  each day is a day longer that i have not seen my child alive.  each year is a year that i don't know what he might have been doing with his life.  he wasn't awarded a year 15, a year 21, a year 30.  his younger brothers and sister are now older than he was at his oldest.  his niece and nephew will be his 'forever age' in just a few years.  

and the triggers are everywhere.  i am constantly on guard for the sound of helicopters, as they were used to search for my son and his friend.  my heart races when i even think i hear one.  september rolls around and i am in a stew about the coming months of winter weather.   the memories of being a pregnant teen, laboring and giving birth on a thanksgiving evening.  the song 'walking in a winter wonderland' used to make me cry and now pisses me off as it's used constantly from october (it seems to be getting earlier these days) until the stores decide to knock off the christmas tunes.  songs from metallica remind me of his wake, of his life, of his death, and make me tear up.  skateboarders make me sad and proud to have been a skateboard mom.  each time we have a family gathering with 'all' our kids there is a gaping hole.

what used to be is now a memory

so, yes, i'm isolated by my fears and my grief.  i won't get over that.  how could i?  why would i want to 'get over' his death?  even after 19 years.    i'm doing much better than i was in the beginning, of course, and i continue to work at life in my own way, in my own time.  but, the not thinking about winter during these times, the not tearing up at the thought of him?  i doubt that will ever happen.  until i see winter at heavens gate.



this is a month long blog challenge created by my dear artist friend, effy wild.  i am using her prompts, but will state if a topic is my own.  i hope this will get me writing about what makes me tick and better my life while getting things out in the open and off my chest.

until later,
jenny

day 4- stress

"Today’s Nudge: What really stresses you out, and how to do take care of yourself when you’re in the midst of *waves at all that*."

well, effy has done it again with another question that needs some serious thought.  because i'm one that is stressed by nearly everything under the sun.  i think i take after my beautiful grandmother with the anxiety, but she was a strong woman too, and traveled extensively after her husband died.

i think the thing that really stresses me out is uncertainty.  i like lists.  i like knowing whats going to happen and when.  i like knowing if a person is going to be friendly or crappy to me.  i like rules (though, oddly, i hate following them).  i'm a passionate person who usually keeps that passion under wraps to not raise a ruckus or make people look at me.  and that inward facing passion may be a big downfall for me and cause of a lot of my anxiety.

my husband, on the other hand, is one of the most laid back people i know.  he keeps me on balance when life is turned around for me, which it often is.  he says 'oh well' to things that would send me wild with fury on the inside.  he can get me laughing as no one else can.  

when my life comes crashing around me i will either call or text my man, then i will snuggle in with my pup and a good netflix comedy binge.  i will hibernate and hide from life until all seems better, usually a good week or two though.  

yep, these two goofballs really help me to see the good in life again, and i'm so grateful to have them in my life.

this is a month long blog challenge created by my dear artist friend, effy wild.  i am using her prompts, but will state if a topic is my own.  i hope this will get me writing about what makes me tick and better my life while getting things out in the open and off my chest.

until later,

jenny

blog along- day 1; "whats up, buttercup?"

today is day one of the blog everyday in september challenge posted by effy wild.  she's going to provide us with some writing nudges if we need some help getting started.  i'm SO thankful that effy is doing this this month, so i can get things off my mind and then maybe start thinking of other ways to cope.

the first nudge from effy is to jump in where you are.  whats new, whats going on.


well, i'm going thru some- a lot- of anxiety these days.  some daily anxiety is not uncommon for me, but lately it has been getting in the way of sleep and giving me heart palpitations.

i had a scary incident happen to me on august 24th.  i am new to taking daily walks with my pup.  i started the practice on the july 4th weekend, so this is still pretty new to me.  while walking with lucy pup the other day, a man stopped me and asked me if i wanted to "take a ride".  sure, mister, here i am walking my dog at nine o'clock in the morning, but i really would like to be propositioned by you.  it really freaked me out and triggered some long buried childhood stuff.  i hurried home with lucy, thinking he was following me and now knows where i live.

i've told people and they have varying thoughts about what i should have done, or what they would do in that situation.  what did i actually do?  i asked him to repeat himself, as i honestly was confused by his words.  and he repeated it exactly the same way.  "wanna take a ride?".  and i replied "no thank you".

"no, thank you"???  who says no thank you to a scary guy propositioning you?!

ok, my brain was thinking he MUST just not know how his words sounded.  he couldn't be that creepy.  it's all in my head.  and, if i did something like tell him to go to hell, then i'm the rude one when all he was doing was trying to be nice to me, offering me a ride.  i can't rock the boat.  i can't make a stink.

hubby mark, when he heard of what was actually said, agreed it sounded creepy, and i did exactly the right thing.  that it could have escalated the situation and made it bad for me.  we don't know if he had a gun (probably not) or wanted a struggle or what was going on in his head.  me being polite but firm and walking away was perfect in that situation, and the creep accepted it and moved on.

the next day i started our walk earlier in the morning, hoping to avoid creeps, and ended up getting 'stuck' down by the lake.  it was so foggy that i couldn't see around the lake to make sure i was safe, and i didn't feel safe going back up the road where the incident happened, so i ended up sitting on the concrete steps that go up to a small baseball field to wait for someone i knew to come along.  i waited maybe 10 long minutes, getting more and more freaked out by the situation.

me, freaking out 

and lucy looking beautiful

since then it seems i've been more anxious and worried about people in general.  i'm still walking because it's good for my lucy girl but it's been a struggle getting out of the house with the pup.  i've struggled with some agoraphobia in the past, being afraid to go outside even to my own yard, knowing the neighbors were 'looking at me', and i fear i'm getting close to that place again.  it's a scary place.  a place of paranoia, when i want to live in a place of trust.  but, i'm noticing that i'm trusting my gut more since then, which is a good thing.

we're now having guys coming to give us estimates on some work we need done to the house and i have to deal with it myself, as hubby works long hours.  i don't wanna!  i wasn't too keen to do these things before the creepy guy stopped me, and the feeling is so much more extreme now.  

i'm locking the doors now when i'm home, which is a good idea but something i never did before, and letting lucy bark ferociously when she wants to, when before i wanted her to be polite when people walk in our neighborhood.  just yesterday a young man knocked on our front door and i army crawled out of the living room to get to an area where i would not be seen, letting lucy do her bit to scare off any would-be attacker or 'make nervous-er'.  i'm sure i was quite the sight, and mark would be oh, SO proud to call me his wife at that moment.

i'm also doing a lot of getting ready for my art show at our library in february, which will be here in a blink of an eye, and i'm getting tummy issues because of anxiety from that.  

so, basically i'm just a big ball of freak-out.

add to that the september blues that start my long bout of seasonal affective disorder, and i'm not very fun to be around right now.  at least, thats what my brain tells me.  but, the "dog friends" (owners of said dogs that walk in the mornings, not the dogs themselves) seem to enjoy my company.   

it all reminds me that the inner goings on of people are usually much different than what they portray.  and why i always try to be nice to others.  you never know what they are going thru.

good acting and some liquid courage

gets me thru necessary functions 

until later,

jenny

a bouquet of joy and an artist show!

mothers day is sometimes lonely and depressing for me, like others, so i decided to go to the studio and just play, not worrying about an outcome until later.  to be in the moment with the color.  let it flow.

i started with a canvas that had been a collection of left over paints from other paintings.  i'd just slap the paint on this guy when i was done with a painting.  i didn't take a 'before' shot of this canvas, but i saw a bouquet in a vase so went with it.

i painted around what i saw

i wanted to play with the abstract, let it be loose.

i loved how it looked here, and i should have stopped.

but then THAT VOICE said "it just looks like circles.  kind of like targets.  it's not enough.  fiddle some more"

so i fiddled some more.  and i did create targets, so that wasn't good.  and i also created mud, and that wasn't good.  but i persevered, and i think the design may be complete...

sitting with it, to see with new eyes

changed some colors, and added some little areas of interest

painting this really helped pick me up out of my doldrums.  art heals!

those who follow me on my personal or my art facebook page have heard the news...  i'm going to be doing a showing of my art at our town library in february!  this is a huge deal for me, as my social anxiety made it a struggle just to talk to the person to get an application and information about a showing.  hell, it was anxiety producing just thinking about any of this.  i have created a major list to be ready for february, and i've gotten a head start with the easier things, like writing information for each painting and a bio for myself.  the paperwork is easy.  now i must varnish and wire a slew of paintings while still creating new original work to show and 'fixing' older paintings so they are ready for company.  this also means my klimt inspired painting is on the back burner, but thats no problem.  so, yay me!  i did a hard thing! and it's going to get harder!  

yay me... ? 

it's a good thing.  thats my mantra these days.  this will be a big opportunity for me to be brave, and good will come out of it for that braveness.

until later,

jenny

day 23 and the weekend

day 22 was a bust.  i was run down and lethargic and didn't get to the studio.  but i was back on it on friday, day 23.   taking baby steps is still going forward!

i dripped more purple ink and i worked on putting more color on each lily.

pita pup helped

saturday i went to a day retreat.  it was a full day of yoga, writing and art.  i went knowing it would be good growth, and it sure was.  i knew nobody there, except for a local Facebook friend that i hadn't met yet, so this was a huge stretch for me.  at one point, not long ago, i was agoraphobic.  i wouldn't even go outside in my own yard because the neighbors or people in cars would see me.  i'm much better now, but still am seriously closed off from the world.

it was THE best group of gals that could have been there.  a small group of about 7 guests and 2 facilitators, all were gentle and understanding of any feelings that could crop up.  the workshop was well organized and the day went quickly.  so quickly that i got no photos.

i did get messy, though

 i used charcoal from the burned logs at the fire pit. 

 later i found faces in the scribbles

 heres what those messy hands made

and another background started at the workshop

AND... there were goats!

the day ended with new friends and a fresh soul.  i learned a lot about being vulnerable in a safe, accepting and loving space, and the writing prompts were enlightening and engaging.  i highly recommend OPEN Art &Yoga, and plans are underway for a second weekend long retreat in the spring!

sunday was yet another rest day away from the canvas.  it was a busy day, but i could have eeked out some time if the body didn't feel so abused from being off the couch the day before.  the yoga that day had been gentle and felt so good as i did it, but the fibromyagic muscles aren't used to that much use.  i knew going in that the next day would be rough, but it was well worth it!  hubby and i slowly walked the flea market sunday morning, and that helped loosen things up.  

i also found a trivet at walmart that i got all excited about and had to have;

yep, it will be used as a stamp for backgrounds on many future canvasses!

i'm not sure what today will hold as far as my canvas challenge.  part of me is hesitating to continue with how i want the canvas to unfold, because of the old fear that i will 'mess it up'.  i know what i want to happen and what i want it to look like, but the artist problems are kicking my butt.  

on that note i'll leave you with some writing i did at the workshop.  

this prompt was about my inner critic;

this bitch has pearls on 

and is looking down her nose at me over her glasses.  

she thinks she knows everything 

and that whatever i do is trash, 

or that i will fail or get hurt.  

she thinks that she is saving me from being hurt 

when in fact she is doing the hurting!  

i don't need her screaming in my ear 

every time i leave the couch 

or if i am in front of the canvas.

i don't like her very much.  

and another prompt about my muse;

she wears flowing fuchsia dresses

and has wild hair.

she adores that i am here today

and loves that i am taking my art on a heart quest.

she wants me to keep doing what i'm doing,

take chances,

be adventurous,

and grow.

she loves that i am taking classes and wants me

to experiment

with

       all 

           of

                it.

she loves me!

i need to listen to my muse more often.

until later,

jenny