day 7- a revelation of sorts

i think i've figured out why september of these last few years have been increasingly difficult for me. september had always been one of change, which has always difficult for me, but it was also an exciting time filled with back to school activities. shopping for new clothes and school supplies, first with me as the recipient and then with our 6 children. it was a time of busyness and of anticipation of the coming years' growth and learning.

after winter died, the children living with me (my two living boys and my oldest stepson) were all taken out of school to learn at home for various reasons. they were all struggling with a school system that allowed no grief time, that didn't understand anything but teaching cookie cutter style. the kids each had their own unique way of dealing with their trauma and it came out in their schooling, of course.

the boys and i became even closer, doing everything together, me trying to figure out how to help each of them and eventually finding a great resource nearby that allowed for child led learning. the center was short lived, but the kids got a lot out of learning how to learn during that time.

my stepson eventually went back to public high school to succeed a bit better than if he had stayed in the system. he had been given some new tools and had been gently guided by his family to a level of maturity where he was now able to fit in. the other two boys got their GED each at age 16 and started taking college classes.

now these kids are each successful adults, one living in california with his wife and 10 year old twins (he would have to live in hawaii to be further away and still live in the united states!).

where my house used to be a bustling beehive any day of the year it is now silent. september just brings the silence more fully into view. my children were my career and i was forced into retirement.

youngest and i at the bridge by my childhood farm

it's nice to have the understanding of where all this extra sadness is coming from in september. knowing is half the battle and hopefully i can now concentrate on finding something to help the empty nest syndrome that becomes an unbearable beast.


in other news, my computer is failing. luckily hubby is a computer technician who can revive it so i can work on it for a few hours the next day, but theres no telling how long it will be able to continue in this fashion. my art, my blog, my classes- all need my computer. sweetie estimated for me to get another computer of this quality would be 2-3K. we just can't afford that, with my car needing transmission work, and our house leaking during rainstorms.  i just don't know my future in blogging right now. i'm worried i won't be able to download the rest of this years classes. i'm a smidge less concerned about getting reference photos to work from, but that concern is there, too. so, if suddenly the blog becomes stagnant, thats probably the reason. hubby now and again gets old computers at work that he can frankenstein together, but that happens less often than it used to. i'll do what i can to continue my time on social media as long as i can, cause blogging has become important to me


my bff is going thru some rough stuff that is just not letting up. she is feeling lost and alone and i'm sure is feeling beat up from life. it's been going on a long time for her, and she got some devastating news a couple days ago that brought her again to her knees. my heart is with her, i hurt for her. and i wish her peace in these troubled times. yesterday i went into the studio and found a blank canvas to use as therapy for my own feelings about what she's going thru.

it will be getting more layers before i call it complete, but i'm liking where it's headed and i'm grateful for the outlet that art provides me when i'm feeling useless.

until later,
jenny

day 4- stress

"Today’s Nudge: What really stresses you out, and how to do take care of yourself when you’re in the midst of *waves at all that*."

well, effy has done it again with another question that needs some serious thought.  because i'm one that is stressed by nearly everything under the sun.  i think i take after my beautiful grandmother with the anxiety, but she was a strong woman too, and traveled extensively after her husband died.

i think the thing that really stresses me out is uncertainty.  i like lists.  i like knowing whats going to happen and when.  i like knowing if a person is going to be friendly or crappy to me.  i like rules (though, oddly, i hate following them).  i'm a passionate person who usually keeps that passion under wraps to not raise a ruckus or make people look at me.  and that inward facing passion may be a big downfall for me and cause of a lot of my anxiety.

my husband, on the other hand, is one of the most laid back people i know.  he keeps me on balance when life is turned around for me, which it often is.  he says 'oh well' to things that would send me wild with fury on the inside.  he can get me laughing as no one else can.  

when my life comes crashing around me i will either call or text my man, then i will snuggle in with my pup and a good netflix comedy binge.  i will hibernate and hide from life until all seems better, usually a good week or two though.  

yep, these two goofballs really help me to see the good in life again, and i'm so grateful to have them in my life.

this is a month long blog challenge created by my dear artist friend, effy wild.  i am using her prompts, but will state if a topic is my own.  i hope this will get me writing about what makes me tick and better my life while getting things out in the open and off my chest.

until later,

jenny

breathing as self care

it's been 10 days since pita went Home.

it's been difficult to live during these first terrible days.  i had to pay the remaining vet bill the next day, going thru that door so soon after going home without my fur-child.  and they called me the day before his 16th birthday to let me know his ashes were back.  i was so raw after that call that i knew i could not go that evening, especially by myself, so i made mental arrangements to go the next day, realizing then that i would be picking him up on his birthday.  my vets office, all the staff, they are wonderful.  after being their clients all these years, they know me by sight as well as name (except for the newbies).  both times i went to do business i was met at the chair i sat on, waiting my turn.  i was not allowed to wait in agony.  they came to me quickly and with the needed items in hand to do 'business' quickly, give me a hug, sincere condolences and a sweet word about my boy, and i was able to leave quickly, crying in private in the car before pulling out of the drive.

he now rests close to his favorite spot on the couch, 

and this was his spot to watch out the window

pitas box is beautiful, and i also received a paw print, which is nice to hold and rub the sweet indentations of his little toes.  the vets office also always sends a card which everyone signs.  the words of comfort and memories of my sweet boy they used shows again how loved he was.   my vet tech friend wrote such nice words, knowing pitas whole story and how very much he was loved and how big a hole i have in my heart.

i've had a sick grieving tummy since the day i knew the inevitable.  my tummy is stupid with emotions.  'hey, you're excited about christmas, lets make you uncomfortable for two weeks before".  "hey, i know you're angry at so-and-so, won't it be fun to have a tummy ache as well?"  so, of course i have a tummy ache when my support puppy goes to join my son.  why wouldn't i?  hopefully it goes soon.

i've been sleeping a lot.  like a LOT.  naps are my friend these days, yet i still have to coax my body to stay up at least until 7 or 8.  i'm old so my bedtime is normally 9, but not these days.

i'm glad i signed up for 4 big classes this year, but for right now i'm just downloading and trying to keep up with notes.  yesterday i did start in on my facing forward lesson i was half way finished with in september (?).  and i did a *very* quick journal spread yesterday.  it was a win to just go to the studio!

photo makes it look sadder than it does in person.  

there is fun texture there

my other dog, lucy, had some adjustments to make, and is doing well.  she has started looking for me which she never did before.  she seems more attentive and needs more attention from me as well. i know she misses the doggy play time, because she's starting to be more outgoing with the cat instead of wanting to chew him up and spit him out.

my time on Facebook has been different.  it just doesn't do it for me.  i've started to 'like' posts here and there, but i'm not as outgoing as i used to be, and while i go to check on friends and my art people, i don't stay as long as i used to.  nothing is holding my interest and thats par for the course.  i've been reading when i can concentrate which is good to take my mind off life for a while.  keeps the brain oiled up.

mark has been the hero, as usual.  doing his hero things that he does so well.  he's a good doobie, and i think i'll keep him.

it's an adjustment, all around.  and i'm letting myself do what i need as self care.  day 1, i was pacing the house, cleaning up everything, not knowing what to do next.  the next few days i was glad lucy has a good bladder.  i'm starting to do a bit more around the house here and there. i'm just going with the current of grief.  if all i can do is breathe, then thats better than not-- or so i've been told.

until later,

jenny

days 10-12

it's been a busy and stressful weekend here, dealing with an ill adult child, ER visits and recovery period immediately following the visits.  all will be fine, but seeing my child in pain, no matter the age, is tough for the body and soul.  i did easy changes saturday and sunday, and today had little more thought and two different medium and techniques.  no matter the time spent in the studio, it gets me out of my own head and helps clear the stress for a while.

i had an idea of how i wanted saturday, day 10, to go.  i wanted bright pink dotted on with my fingers.  it didn't look the way i wanted, so i used a credit card to scrape it out, smoothing the texture and creating a more uniform, but dull, area of pink.  i liked some areas better than others, but again, it will be covered with other layers, and i am learning what works and what doesn't.

day 10

on day 11 i created a kind of border around the canvas, using the edge of a credit card to create lines of differing colors, which was difficult on a large scale.  i used the card to smooth out the lines and then added more lines on top, making it fit the look i had wanted from the start.

day 11

today  used a fan brush to create large circles on the canvas, and then i dripped crimson india ink and sprayed with water to let it flow where it wished, then turned the canvas, letting it drip the other way.

day 12

enjoy the texture love;

until later,

jenny

making plans, and research

the last few days i have been a researching fool!  i'm READY to move forward with selling my work, and have found a cool online site that will sell prints, as well as many other types of merchandise, from my original artwork.  i won't have to package and mail anything!  i'm excited to begin, but i feel the need to make lists and plan, which isn't a bad idea when one is undertaking a venture like this.  i've been looking up how to make an artist business plan, and the worrisome concept of copyright infringement.

hubby, mark, just wants me to be happy, and if all i do is paint and don't sell a thing, as long as i have a smile on my face, he will be content.  that man is a keeper, i tell you!  so, in his eyes i don't need to plan anything.  just put my images up and if they sell, great, and if not thats ok too.  why make a big production out of it?  i can see his point, too.  but, my thoughts are;

how will you know where you are going, if you have no map?

i don't want to bumble around, making mistakes that could be costly.   or not make any movement at all because 'it doesn't matter right now'.  the thought of not worrying about it sounds great, but if i never start to think about what i want my future to look like then i will stagnate and nothing will ever happen.

i worked on my business plan this morning.  i'm not sure if it helped settle my mind or made me more anxious.  i also got stuck on the 'goals and objectives' part.  i just have no clue how high or low to set my sights right now.  i have no idea if my goals are realistic or not.  but, again, mark just wants me to paint to be happy, and thats what i want to want, as well.  so, i feel i made realistic goals, as long as i start telling people where to go to find my art, and start showing my originals somehow.  i know i do not want to package my paintings right now.  thats stressful!  i have a block when it comes to trusting that my packaging is tough enough to be handled by the postal service.  no offense intended, it's just my fear.

there is a lot of pressure to be unique and be a big producer of 'stuff'.  the pressure to keep up the production of art is my own baggage, but to make sure its an original piece is out there.  it's called copyright.  i'm scared to take classes to gain knowledge of other skills for fear of making art that looks like so many others.  i can tell if someone has taken a class of several teachers out there.  there are a few 'trendy' looks in art right now.  how closely can one artists work resemble anothers before it gets fuzzy with copyright?  i'm scared to look on facebook as all the spiritual photos are so inspiring.  i don't want to unintentionally copy someone else's photo or artwork in my quest to bring out that certain 'feeling' in my canvas.

so, i have my 'list' of things i wish for, and a few ways to get there.  i guess all i can do right now is paint, paint, paint, and try to sleep at night for a change.

until later,
jenny

birthing is difficult

i have so many ideas for the future of my life and art and am feeling overwhelmed by the hugeness of it all.  here is what is on my mind;

* i have about 5 works in progress at the moment, and ideas for more in my head.  i want to just get them all out, to work on them, be done, and go onto the next big project, getting my works done *in order* and have them in my handy-dandy database of completed art.

* i really would like to start a mixed media journal, even though i balk at them because paint=money

* i found this online course i would love to do, and spoke to mark about it with guilt in my heart because its a lot of money for us right now.  he agreed to spend the money on me, because it would make me happy and things are ok for us.  he is always the supportive hubby!

* i need to practice sketching in my sketch book, not canvas, not painted in a journal, but pencil drawings.


and what i keep going back to is... i must wait until my art studio is done for me to be my most creative self.  what i had been doing was thinking of the studio completion as the beginning of my art business; the selling of it.   i should be thinking of it as the beginning of my art busy-ness, the letting go and playing with color, texture and materials.

the works in progress will be finished when they call to me.  that creative spark can not be forced.  if i have other ideas that want to come i should work with them, at least in my sketch book.  if i can only put a highlight on a certain canvas one day before going to another, thats ok.

i have no space currently to really play in a mixed media journal.  i need the studio desk and all my supplies handy, as well as an easily cleanable space in order to really do this well.  i just don't feel comfortable working on my old dining room table any more.

the online course will be a great resource for me to get to know media better and to find my own voice.  it's a year long, start whenever you wish, go as slowly as you need course with lots of videos and skills to learn from, from an artist who's style i enjoy.  BUT, right now i want to spend that money on finishing my studio so i can better do the course.  the course will wait until it's a better time for me.

i figure the sketch book practice is the one thing that i can work on regularly right now, when energy and pain levels cooperate.  i can sketch on the couch with a mirror doing five minutes at a time so it doesn't have to become tiresome.  it should become a more faithful routine for me, something i should schedule time for until it gets to be something i do each day to feel complete.

i have so many ideas for the future of my life and art and am feeling overwhelmed by the hugeness of it all... and i don't need to be!  all i need to do is get thru this particular moment in time.  what needs my immediate attention *right now*?  thats what i need to focus on, and let the other ideas flow as they will, write or sketch them down and then go on to the next moment.  it's not a do-this-or-die situation here, jenny!

what i need to do is treat this time as a pregnancy.  yes, i'm excited and nervous about the impending birth of my (whatever it will be), but right now i'm nurturing it by doing these deep breathing exercises, by finding my way through a more natural flow of creativity, not forcing things right now. by waiting.  i can make plans on paper when ideas strike and create a routine that will further my success when my studio is open for daily use.  but stress is never good for any pregnancy, even a creative one.

until later,
jenny