thinking about the future (and painting progress)

since holding my slightly successful meet and greet on february 6th I've been re-evaluating what I want from my art.  what I want my future to look like and how I can get my hands on that future.

I was surprised to find myself unhappy that the event wasn't more successful.  I thought I'd be pleased that not many people showed up.  and, yes, part of me was happy about that.  since I have pretty crippling social anxiety it was a relief to have empty foot space in that room instead of an hour of wall to wall people.  but, I really want my art to be a beacon of light to others.  I want it to help people with fear, with depression, with hopelessness and sorrow.  I want people to look at my work and to feel happier or hopeful for doing so.  I want to share my light with the world, and in order for that to happen I must have a presence outside of my home.  my art must have a presence outside of my home.

bravery thru the fear...

but I might get hurt

mark and I have discussed my thoughts about shows and fairs.  I want to do them, for the sake of my art and for the people, but not for me.  my heart pounds with the thought.  and, I know, people have told me it's always scary to not know whats going to happen next and with time and experience doing the thing it will get easier.  but, let me tell you, I have been a person on this planet for 50 years now.  Christmases with my own family are hard for me, and I KNOW whats going to happen!  it's always the same, everyone has a good time, except I'm stuck with a stupid anxiety belly that is refusing to believe I won't die because 'people' are coming to the house.  these people I have born to the world and changed diapers. my anxieties are bad, and I'm not sure I can be ok with the stress of shows and fairs with my fibromyalgia and other health issues.  I'm still in a flare a week after my meet and greet.  last night I went to bed at 6:30.

if I was to do any more shows, and I think it is in my future (maybe), mark will have to play a huge roll in it.  he already is, but I fear that I will need more than what he can give me to ensure I don't break.  I don't know how other artists with this level of anxiety make it work, but I've thought about making mark 'cheat sheets' so he can do more of the talking about the art, while I sit in the car or something.

why does it need to be this difficult to be a success in the art world?  can't I just have my blog and fb be the only presence I have?  can't I just throw my art out into these shows and not be there?  why must I claim my mess to the world?  "hi, I'm Jenny- the Artist.  I am here but I'm dying because of it, thanks for looking at my art.  don't talk to me".

I'm going to do some research about where I might be able to show my work in some small-ish communities where I would be *comfortable going to, like Greenfield and Turners Falls, maybe Amherst since it's an artsy town.  meanwhile I'll try to not stress and continue just creating a nice body of work.

*not really

behold the drips!

until later,

Jenny

day 23 and the weekend

day 22 was a bust.  i was run down and lethargic and didn't get to the studio.  but i was back on it on friday, day 23.   taking baby steps is still going forward!

i dripped more purple ink and i worked on putting more color on each lily.

pita pup helped

saturday i went to a day retreat.  it was a full day of yoga, writing and art.  i went knowing it would be good growth, and it sure was.  i knew nobody there, except for a local Facebook friend that i hadn't met yet, so this was a huge stretch for me.  at one point, not long ago, i was agoraphobic.  i wouldn't even go outside in my own yard because the neighbors or people in cars would see me.  i'm much better now, but still am seriously closed off from the world.

it was THE best group of gals that could have been there.  a small group of about 7 guests and 2 facilitators, all were gentle and understanding of any feelings that could crop up.  the workshop was well organized and the day went quickly.  so quickly that i got no photos.

i did get messy, though

 i used charcoal from the burned logs at the fire pit. 

 later i found faces in the scribbles

 heres what those messy hands made

and another background started at the workshop

AND... there were goats!

the day ended with new friends and a fresh soul.  i learned a lot about being vulnerable in a safe, accepting and loving space, and the writing prompts were enlightening and engaging.  i highly recommend OPEN Art &Yoga, and plans are underway for a second weekend long retreat in the spring!

sunday was yet another rest day away from the canvas.  it was a busy day, but i could have eeked out some time if the body didn't feel so abused from being off the couch the day before.  the yoga that day had been gentle and felt so good as i did it, but the fibromyagic muscles aren't used to that much use.  i knew going in that the next day would be rough, but it was well worth it!  hubby and i slowly walked the flea market sunday morning, and that helped loosen things up.  

i also found a trivet at walmart that i got all excited about and had to have;

yep, it will be used as a stamp for backgrounds on many future canvasses!

i'm not sure what today will hold as far as my canvas challenge.  part of me is hesitating to continue with how i want the canvas to unfold, because of the old fear that i will 'mess it up'.  i know what i want to happen and what i want it to look like, but the artist problems are kicking my butt.  

on that note i'll leave you with some writing i did at the workshop.  

this prompt was about my inner critic;

this bitch has pearls on 

and is looking down her nose at me over her glasses.  

she thinks she knows everything 

and that whatever i do is trash, 

or that i will fail or get hurt.  

she thinks that she is saving me from being hurt 

when in fact she is doing the hurting!  

i don't need her screaming in my ear 

every time i leave the couch 

or if i am in front of the canvas.

i don't like her very much.  

and another prompt about my muse;

she wears flowing fuchsia dresses

and has wild hair.

she adores that i am here today

and loves that i am taking my art on a heart quest.

she wants me to keep doing what i'm doing,

take chances,

be adventurous,

and grow.

she loves that i am taking classes and wants me

to experiment

with

       all 

           of

                it.

she loves me!

i need to listen to my muse more often.

until later,

jenny