Monday, February 12, 2018

thinking about the future (and painting progress)

since holding my slightly successful meet and greet on february 6th I've been re-evaluating what I want from my art.  what I want my future to look like and how I can get my hands on that future.

I was surprised to find myself unhappy that the event wasn't more successful.  I thought I'd be pleased that not many people showed up.  and, yes, part of me was happy about that.  since I have pretty crippling social anxiety it was a relief to have empty foot space in that room instead of an hour of wall to wall people.  but, I really want my art to be a beacon of light to others.  I want it to help people with fear, with depression, with hopelessness and sorrow.  I want people to look at my work and to feel happier or hopeful for doing so.  I want to share my light with the world, and in order for that to happen I must have a presence outside of my home.  my art must have a presence outside of my home.

bravery thru the fear...
but I might get hurt

mark and I have discussed my thoughts about shows and fairs.  I want to do them, for the sake of my art and for the people, but not for me.  my heart pounds with the thought.  and, I know, people have told me it's always scary to not know whats going to happen next and with time and experience doing the thing it will get easier.  but, let me tell you, I have been a person on this planet for 50 years now.  Christmases with my own family are hard for me, and I KNOW whats going to happen!  it's always the same, everyone has a good time, except I'm stuck with a stupid anxiety belly that is refusing to believe I won't die because 'people' are coming to the house.  these people I have born to the world and changed diapers. my anxieties are bad, and I'm not sure I can be ok with the stress of shows and fairs with my fibromyalgia and other health issues.  I'm still in a flare a week after my meet and greet.  last night I went to bed at 6:30.

if I was to do any more shows, and I think it is in my future (maybe), mark will have to play a huge roll in it.  he already is, but I fear that I will need more than what he can give me to ensure I don't break.  I don't know how other artists with this level of anxiety make it work, but I've thought about making mark 'cheat sheets' so he can do more of the talking about the art, while I sit in the car or something.

why does it need to be this difficult to be a success in the art world?  can't I just have my blog and fb be the only presence I have?  can't I just throw my art out into these shows and not be there?  why must I claim my mess to the world?  "hi, I'm Jenny- the Artist.  I am here but I'm dying because of it, thanks for looking at my art.  don't talk to me".

I'm going to do some research about where I might be able to show my work in some small-ish communities where I would be *comfortable going to, like Greenfield and Turners Falls, maybe Amherst since it's an artsy town.  meanwhile I'll try to not stress and continue just creating a nice body of work.

*not really

behold the drips!

until later,

1 comment:

  1. I deal with anxiety. It is a daily thing for me. Of course I take Xanax. I have never had a panic attack even before my medication. My mom had anxiety/panic attacks a lot her whole life(depression too). When my son was young, he had panic attacks/and anxiety bad. But he worked through them. I really wish I could go the natural herb way. Without a doubt, I would no longer need Xanax then.