Thursday, November 2, 2017

dream painting

i have gotten my hands painty!  this is HUGE!  i don't think i've painted since september?  something like that.

this painting will be symbolic of a dream i had the night before.  i woke knowing it was an important message from winter-orion and should be represented as a canvas so to never forget.

the following is taken directly (edited a little for clarity) from my dream journal, where i jot down the important or cryptic dreams i have and then interpret them from a book i have and from internet sites if i feel it needs more information.

"i just now (2:30pm) remembered i had a winter dream last night.  can't remember much, but it was set by his place of death, by the bridge that crosses the river and canal.  young winter (about age 7 or so) crossed the river, walking thru the shallow water, then came back toward me over the bridge and a mama bear was with him.
i wish i remembered any other details from this dream.  i woke up with it fresh in my mind and knew i must write it down, but was too tired.  i also thought that bear means protector of children and family?

from book- bear often represents mother.  can represent our ability to recreate ourselves after a period of rest and reflection.

my thoughts- winter crossed the river easily then came back to me via a bridge with a bear.  the ABILITY for me to see he is ok and can still visit.  it is a good thing for me to recreate myself after this hibernation.

bear is a consummate mother, caring for her young with observable devotion.  bear is a symbol of motherhood and child protection.  (winter is ok, he is safe)
celtic goddess artio is bear goddess who represents the transformation of seasons.  she is said to conjure winter when she needs rest.  upon waking, artio is said to summon summer."

so, i was blown away by the symbology of just one or two elements in this remembered snippet of dream.  the bridge meaning to me transitions to the other side (or back).  and the bear who is a protector, who says it's ok to rest and reinvent yourself, who conjures winter!

i know this was the important part of the dream and i'm not unhappy that i can't recall the rest of it, and i knew that having a reminder of this important communication would help me during the seasonal ebbs i have when just getting off the couch is a struggle.

so, yesterday i painted a background, and today i have sketched my mama bear

i'm hoping that this painting will remind me of bear symbolism and reestablish that my hibernation is just a season.    i need a bit of hope to tide me over till the spring crocus bloom again.

until later,

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

a stress reliever

i've noticed i'm pretty burnt out with painting. i start one and it doesn't go smoothly and i get stressed and lose the muse with my idea so start another one with the same result. it's the stress of expecting each painting to be presentable for the show in february. i can't paint with that expectation on me, so i've decided to let myself off the hook with painting on canvas until after i'm set up for the show! that should cover THAT anxiety. but, i've been waking in the middle of the night with show anxiety and having to go downstairs. just need to concentrate on my tasks and get myself to the finish line.

i have 17 canvasses that are ready to show.  that is, i'm not fiddling with details on them anymore and they are varnished.  of those, i think only one has wire for hanging.  we never got to that over the weekend, so i must wire 16 canvasses sooner rather than later.

i also have to make sure i know each canvas size and calculate their price point.  math and i are like oil and water, so i will do the calculations and bring them to the hubster to verify.  

honestly 17 is a reasonable amount of paintings to show.  they are of differing sizes and prices, and i'm sure they will show well as a group.   i don't need to worry about the amount of paintings, i have enough and there have been shows with less on the walls.  i also need to remember that i will have 20 of my mini canvasses there as well.  my art will be well represented.

i realize it's only october, so i have 3 months before crunch time starts, but my mental health warrants i get these tasks done as soon as possible so i know there are no loose ends to concern my head about.  that the only worries i will have are the ones i make up.  

honey told me the other night after i told him i was stressing, "you know,  only like 30 people will see your paintings. it's a small room in a small library.  more people see them when you post them to Facebook!".  he's right.  i know he's right, but there is something more personal when someone can get real close to your paintings and scrutinize them or touch them (which i hope they don't!).  i feel more vulnerable sending them out into the world like that for a whole month.  but, like myself, they must grow up and see where life takes them.

my birthday went well.  sweetie took the day off to be with me on my special day.  i woke ridiculously early and went outside as the full moon was calling.  the first sight that caught my eye when i went out the door was the constellation orion, which represents my son, winter-orion.  it was a very sweet birthday greeting from him, and i felt it to my bones!

after saying good morning to winter and grandmother moon and resisting the urge to howl (your welcome, neighbors!), i went to my spot on the couch to grab my laptop, finding a card from sweetie on the computer instead.  my smiles were great at 3:30 in the morning!

sweetie took me to get my hair cut, a very short style i am so happy with, and to spend my gift card from michaels.  i got some yummy colors from golden acrylics, some varnish and some fun washi tapes that will look nice hidden in some future paintings!  i went to sallies beauty supply and bought some pink hair color to get me smiling again, and on sunday we saw 'evil dead, the musical', which was raunchy, messy fun.

and, today i pink-ified my hair!

yes, color is my happy place!

until later,

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

getting out of my head

i've been taking a breather.  or, rather, trying to breathe.  as i've mentioned, it's a rough time in my head usually starting in september, so i'm in the process of going thru the motions of living.  i don't do prescription meds.  i've gone that route and they don't help me and the side effects i have make matters worse.  believe me, i wish they worked, i'd love to not feel this.  i should have a therapist, but... don't.  i've gone that route, too, and while it's nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of and have an outsiders opinion about how i self sabotage and how i can come up with better solutions, it gets costly, it gets repetitive, and i don't wanna.

during my little break from this 'daily' blog challenge, i have been taking walks with the pup, netflix binging, and varnishing a few paintings for my show, which really needed to be a priority.  i'm just about done with varnishing my completed paintings, and then priority will be on wiring them for hanging.  i think i will try to tie mark up with that task on sunday if he will sit still long enough for that.

i've been feeling like such a drain on him these last few weeks.  very needy and want-y and if i told him all the things my brain thinks and feels i fear he would go running far, far away.  he knows most of it, as i'm pretty open with my fears.  they've taken over my dreams and created a monster at times.

part of this is left overs from my previous relationship, where he would go off and do 'his thing' while i was home with the kids, barefoot and pregnant.  i have abandonment issues, serious ones.  but, i don't want to be that person anymore.  i want my man to be happy!  he works so hard and deserves his down time.

anyway, i finally got a glimpse of interest in creating when my latest class in lets face it with kara bullock came into my inbox.  this class got my muse excited again, and i went to my trusty unsplash account to find inspiration for a new painting.  i found a photo of a girl that spoke to me and that has hands and glasses like in karas class.  i had ideas for it, and incorporated other elements for some healing to come thru the painting.

the painting is to be called "focus on the light" and will have elements of light and a bird with emotional healing as its spiritual meaning.

in my sketchbook

preliminary sketch on the canvas

i'll be working on this in the next few days as i follow my muse, body and mind.  i'm glad for these classes, as usually if i'm in a dark frame of mind but the body is feeling ok, i can just watch a video and the muse will get the itch to slap some paint around.  i can watch for 10 minutes and then go into the studio and play.  unless i'm painting something very detailed that needs a brain, i can change my mood for a while.  beginning paintings is always fun.  backgrounds are great.

this painting is rare for me in that i have most of it already thought of before putting paint on canvas.  usually they evolve while painting.  guess i needed the symbolism of light at this moment.

until later,

Saturday, September 16, 2017


i turn 50 in a few weeks.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

those are difficult words for me, and i'm not sure why.

i'm kind of conflicted about the whole thing, really.

part of me wants a big bash.  but what would i want a party to be like?  wine-or-other-booze?  somewhere besides my house, for sure.

i want to feel like people care about me enough to celebrate me.  but then, i want to hide from it all and everyone.  because i am not comfortable around people.   because i feel nobody would come anyway.  because most of the people who are in "my tribe" live far away.  because i'm sad i'm turning 50.  because i don't wanna be 'old'.

i think of 50 and i think "i'm almost 70".  i truly think that.

i think back on my daddys' 50th birthday celebration.  he had a tent and a million people (ok, not that many, but a lot) at the farm to celebrate his milestone.  there was tons of food, people brought their instruments to sing, there were toasts made.  but, he was the man.  he was popular and amazing, and so loved in his career.  i stay at home, have never had a job, and stick to myself.  there can be no comparing.  but, why does part of me want a birthday bash when it would stress me out?  do i need the validation that i am worthy of a party, that i made it this far?  do i feel that this is what people do for their 50th, what people do FOR people when they turn 50, and that i'm not loved enough if i'm not given a party?  those expectations are killer, guys, killer!

my mother tells me she took a trip to ireland for her 50th.  at least i think that was the ireland trip.  my momma has always loved traveling and was able to do so.  mark and i don't have the funds to do anything like that, and even if we did, i'd be worried about my pup at home.  and, no, we can't even take her camping because she hates the car!  so, travel is out.

i told mark a bit ago, like 6 months or longer, that this was his to plan for me, thinking it really wasn't right for me to plan my own party.  gave him some ideas, like going to see a live musical.  we tossed around the idea of going to new york city for a big night on the town.  or boston, which is several hours closer to us and could be done in a day, not overnight like NYC.  i basically set myself up for disappointment.  and i haven't bugged him about it for months.  because i'm still unsure that i want anything.  maybe if i just ignore it, i will be ok. (update; we have discussed, and bought tickets to see "evil dead the musical" in worcester, which is even closer to us than boston, a couple days after my actual birthday!)

so, what is it about 50?  mid-life, assuming one lives to be 100 years old.  lord help mark if i do!  has the crisis hit?  i think it hit me a while ago, always thinking of the next big number.  but 50 is B-I-G!  where one looks back on where they were, and looks forward to where they wish to be, and then tries to map out directions from point A to point B.

i know i've come a long way in my life, from that scared little teenage mom struggling to keep her marriage going.  who was told not to come back with a baby if i got married and it didn't work out.  so, i stayed in the marriage for as long as i could, against the advice of my close friend who saw what was really going on.  i've come SO far from that place!

even from the newly bereaved mom place of being couch bound and over sleeping for more than a year.  though i still was strong and brave there, taking on school councillors who didn't understand, two bouts of lice, driving hubby to work, and dealing with police and obtaining a no trespass order against a dude at the cemetery.  i'm not there anymore.  i've come so far, and done such hard work.

i'm now in a good place.  one of creating art and grocery dates with hubby.  life has become placid for me, as placid as i can get anyway.  taking daily walks with pup is an exciting event.

but, where do i want to be in 5 years?  what do i honestly want?  i'm scared to ask for a budding career that will make us money.  scared because of the eyes on me, the travel involved in showing, the stress of commissions and selling.  if i could do anything and not fail... thats exactly what i would do!  if i had no anxiety disorder, sign me up yesterday!

so, how do i get to THAT place with generalized anxiety disorder???  the art show i'm doing in february is a huge step in the right direction.   when mark and i were at the fairgrounds i went to look at the art that was showing, and it interested me and i thought for a second that i could handle that.  i have a friend with a storefront who has suggested i set up to sell my art in her shop, and i have plans to make smaller, affordably priced work for there (after february).  maybe buying some of my art merchandise from my shop along with smaller original work to set up at street fairs and farmers markets in the towns closest to us.  those are some mostly manageable ideas that could help me get to where i would like to end up.

one of my totes, still going strong

i'm still in that wishy-washy place of turning 50, but i think i'm feeling better about my role in the next phase.  while i am still being gentle with my self care for my all over health, i do have these mini quests to check off, so to speak.

still the warrior of my life!

until later,

Friday, September 15, 2017

i know this

todays nudge was "what is something i know for sure"

well, this i know;  mark loves me with all his soul.

i am a wounded warrior.  my first marriage was a bust, and i have had other man mistakes in my life, so getting to a point of trust was a difficult one.  when mark and i first were dating i would flinch if he moved too fast, and i would be scared out of my wits if i wasn't expecting him and he suddenly showed up in my field of vision.

five years into our marriage, and seven in our relationship, we went thru the chaos of my oldest son dying.  mark was right there with me, but i needed more.  he was having game nights and things were a mess so he quit them for me.  that was a huge sacrifice for him, as that must have been his own life line.  something that could get his mind off of the grief he couldn't fix.

mark has been the soul money maker in our large household and i honestly don't know how he made ends meet.  he did though, or made it seem like he did.  he never wanted me to worry, as that added stress to my already overworked immune system and illnesses.

i've been the sick one, the one in the hospital, at the doctors, having surgeries, and mark has been forever beside me, holding my hand, making sure i was as comfortable as i could be.  even on good days he will tell me to take it easy and rest, knowing if i over-do it one day then the next will be trash.

this sweet, funny man treats me like a queen.  he literally expects nothing from me except for me to love him, and even then he will say he's not worthy (which is bologna and i feel the opposite is true).

mark goes out of his way to be goofy to try to make my day a little brighter.  he only wants to see me smile.  he has supported my choices, no matter how odd they seemed.  he has been with me thru thick and thin, sickness and health, with critters coming out of the woodwork at times, thru my heartache and losses, thru my anxieties and insecurities.  thru all my drama moments.  and he still loves me, fully.

even now, 23 years later, i still have my moments of doubt.  but those moments are so backwards that even my brain realizes these are the fake thoughts of my anxieties.  i know this truth; i am loved by this man.  it's stronger than any love i could have imagined.  and i can rest in this moment, knowing that all is fine.  this moment is perfect.  right here and now is perfect and i don't need to worry.  i am safe.

thank you, mark, for being my heart.  i adore you.

until later,

Thursday, September 14, 2017

not too many know this about me

this is todays prompt and i had to share this one.

i don't know why or how it started.  but, with six kids between us i had to make life a little more, um... light-hearted.

and, for years and years this went on.

hasn't happened in a while, since the kids moved out i suppose...

but, it never failed.

whenever someone asked for a pickle, or mentioned the word

i would start singing the pickle song  (aka the motorcycle song) by arlo guthrie.

just the chorus.

and, badly.

cause to REALLY sing the pickle song, you must sing it badly.

I don't want a pickle Just want to ride on my motorsickle And I don't want a tickle Just want to ride on my motorsickle
And I don't want to die just want to ride on my motorcy...cle

it became a thing.  the kids knew it.  and, either they loved it, or they hated it, or they loved and hated it, or they loved TO hate it.  but, it was my thing with them, and *i* loved it.  i loved being silly with them in this specific way, a consistent way for them to interact with me and me with them.

i brought my nephew into the tradition, as he was a regular at the house at that time, and i swear he didn't think i could carry a tune.

he may have been surprised to hear a few years later that i had joined a singing group (short lived, but fun and scary).  i remember him talking to hubby about my singing, and hubby trying to explain that i can sing, it's just that song is traditionally sung that way.

about a month ago, my sweet man texted me saying that he was at lunch with a client, who asked mark if mark wanted a pickle and then launched into the song.  mark said he HAD to tell me immediately.  i had to ask if he sang it badly, to which he replied "of course!  how else would one sing it"

an appropriate photo for this story, i think.
and, no, i wasn't intending to ride, 
just sitting on sons motorcy...cle

-this is no disrespect to mr. guthrie.  i adore his songs and his way of story telling.  i grew up listening to him, and he holds a tender spot in my heart and soul

until later,

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

alone and unsupervised

hubby left early this morning for an overnight business trip.  he will be back tomorrow evening/night.  that means i will be alone tonight with just me and the critters.

so, what will i do with my time with no adult supervision?  the fact that i've been looking at the clock just about every hour today and am already tired at 5 pm makes me think i will be putting myself to bed at a staggeringly early hour, even for me.

when mark is home i used to try to force myself to stay up until 9pm, but that ship has sailed many months ago and now i struggle to stay up until 8.  i don't think it's the coming autumn, with the sun setting earlier, because i think it started in the summer months.  yes, i remember going to bed when the sun was still bright, and i was reminded of my childhood when i would complain to my parents when they told me it was bedtime and the sun was still out.  didn't i know how wonderful sleep is?  why are children so stupid about sleep?  it is a wonderful invention!

i think i screwed myself by getting so much done yesterday.  i woke so sore and exhausted this morning.  my shins hurt, my ears hurt, my toes hurt.  these are not the normal areas of pain for me, and all signs that the fibromyalgia would win today.  but, i forced myself to slow walk the pup around the lake.  she is a great friend these days while walking!  i never would have thought that the pup that pulled so hard i could not walk her without pain now walks with the leash on the ground, and waits for me if she gets too far ahead.  she stops, and looks back with her paw raised, just waiting for her mama.  today there was lots of waiting involved, and she was content to do so.

she's slowly learning to enjoy the water!

when the fibro is bad i have issues with concentration, so reading is difficult and i rely on 'the stupid box' way too much.  our remote control to our tv and various systems has been running out of battery juice the last few days, and i had been eeking out the last of it.  of course it ran out of juice today, and of course we don't have any replacements in the house.  so, i've been keeping the tv on the roku system instead of going back and forth between cable tv and netflix.  i can use the roku remote and turn on and off the tv the old fashioned way.

i've also been snacking too much the last few days, which is annoying when i'm trying to eat better and take gentle care of myself.  old habits and all.  i had my 'dinner' at 4 this afternoon.  damn, i'm sounding REALLY old!

so, this is what this wild and crazy chick does with her unsupervised time without hubby.  i think i'd have more of a social life in an old folks home!  i just have to remember that this was a time of self care after a busy day yesterday, and i'm dealing with some chronic issues.  days won't always look like this, and there is no reason to be embarrassed about resting and going to bed at toddler times.  as long as i have my security pup, i'll be set!

until later,