alone and unsupervised

hubby left early this morning for an overnight business trip.  he will be back tomorrow evening/night.  that means i will be alone tonight with just me and the critters.

so, what will i do with my time with no adult supervision?  the fact that i've been looking at the clock just about every hour today and am already tired at 5 pm makes me think i will be putting myself to bed at a staggeringly early hour, even for me.

when mark is home i used to try to force myself to stay up until 9pm, but that ship has sailed many months ago and now i struggle to stay up until 8.  i don't think it's the coming autumn, with the sun setting earlier, because i think it started in the summer months.  yes, i remember going to bed when the sun was still bright, and i was reminded of my childhood when i would complain to my parents when they told me it was bedtime and the sun was still out.  didn't i know how wonderful sleep is?  why are children so stupid about sleep?  it is a wonderful invention!

i think i screwed myself by getting so much done yesterday.  i woke so sore and exhausted this morning.  my shins hurt, my ears hurt, my toes hurt.  these are not the normal areas of pain for me, and all signs that the fibromyalgia would win today.  but, i forced myself to slow walk the pup around the lake.  she is a great friend these days while walking!  i never would have thought that the pup that pulled so hard i could not walk her without pain now walks with the leash on the ground, and waits for me if she gets too far ahead.  she stops, and looks back with her paw raised, just waiting for her mama.  today there was lots of waiting involved, and she was content to do so.

she's slowly learning to enjoy the water!

when the fibro is bad i have issues with concentration, so reading is difficult and i rely on 'the stupid box' way too much.  our remote control to our tv and various systems has been running out of battery juice the last few days, and i had been eeking out the last of it.  of course it ran out of juice today, and of course we don't have any replacements in the house.  so, i've been keeping the tv on the roku system instead of going back and forth between cable tv and netflix.  i can use the roku remote and turn on and off the tv the old fashioned way.

i've also been snacking too much the last few days, which is annoying when i'm trying to eat better and take gentle care of myself.  old habits and all.  i had my 'dinner' at 4 this afternoon.  damn, i'm sounding REALLY old!

so, this is what this wild and crazy chick does with her unsupervised time without hubby.  i think i'd have more of a social life in an old folks home!  i just have to remember that this was a time of self care after a busy day yesterday, and i'm dealing with some chronic issues.  days won't always look like this, and there is no reason to be embarrassed about resting and going to bed at toddler times.  as long as i have my security pup, i'll be set!

until later,
jenny

class work and a new print up in the shop

hi there.

this is my 100th post!!!

i've been silent here but doing internal work as well as working on my journal from Facing Forward II with the lovely effy wild.

effy seems to have a certain style of art as well as teaching that i really connect with.  she teaches as a friend would.  with a human to human connection.  she keeps it real and shows you the whole process.  she fixes issues on camera, shows you where she has a dilemma and brings you thru her aha moments.  it's like creating with my best friend or sister when i watch her class videos.

facing forward II is an 8 week class called "the things i need to hear".  in it she guides you thru some journalling to get to the meat of the matter, to turn your problems around so that your journal is filled with beautiful words you might hear from a loved one.  i've decided to follow effys' lessons as closely as i can with the materials i have, and then to do each lesson my own way, giving me a larger journal with twice as many wonderful things i need to hear, and twice as many beautiful journal spreads.

 today i finished my take on week number 1, so thought i'd share my journal so far;

my cover

page with space for affirmation cards

and following effys week 1 lesson

words that heal my heart

"it takes energy to heal"

beginning with the journalling for this spread my critic complained that i didn't do enough, that i was 'lazy'.  i countered that horrible voice knowing that i need to rest when my body says to rest.  i need to listen to my body instead of the critic voice.  frida kahlo came to make sure i listened to this spread, and i'm so glad she did.  this is a very layered page, and that hints to not seeing others' pain by what they show.  frida was a very strong woman who suffered greatly and still found it in her to paint.  paint must have been in her blood, because i think i might have wallowed in a ball of goo and pity if i had lived her life.  

i loved this spread so took some good photos before adding the text in order to put her in the shop.  

prints here

totes

phone cases

travel mugs

and more in the shop!

i'm seriously thinking about adding her with the text "it takes energy to heal" as well, because i think it's a very powerful statement for many with chronic illness.  a lot of us need to let go of guilt when we become sick.  of course, now that i think about it, the way things crop the words wouldn't show on most of the merchandise anyway.  too bad!  gonna have to think...

until later,

jenny

day 23 and the weekend

day 22 was a bust.  i was run down and lethargic and didn't get to the studio.  but i was back on it on friday, day 23.   taking baby steps is still going forward!

i dripped more purple ink and i worked on putting more color on each lily.

pita pup helped

saturday i went to a day retreat.  it was a full day of yoga, writing and art.  i went knowing it would be good growth, and it sure was.  i knew nobody there, except for a local Facebook friend that i hadn't met yet, so this was a huge stretch for me.  at one point, not long ago, i was agoraphobic.  i wouldn't even go outside in my own yard because the neighbors or people in cars would see me.  i'm much better now, but still am seriously closed off from the world.

it was THE best group of gals that could have been there.  a small group of about 7 guests and 2 facilitators, all were gentle and understanding of any feelings that could crop up.  the workshop was well organized and the day went quickly.  so quickly that i got no photos.

i did get messy, though

 i used charcoal from the burned logs at the fire pit. 

 later i found faces in the scribbles

 heres what those messy hands made

and another background started at the workshop

AND... there were goats!

the day ended with new friends and a fresh soul.  i learned a lot about being vulnerable in a safe, accepting and loving space, and the writing prompts were enlightening and engaging.  i highly recommend OPEN Art &Yoga, and plans are underway for a second weekend long retreat in the spring!

sunday was yet another rest day away from the canvas.  it was a busy day, but i could have eeked out some time if the body didn't feel so abused from being off the couch the day before.  the yoga that day had been gentle and felt so good as i did it, but the fibromyagic muscles aren't used to that much use.  i knew going in that the next day would be rough, but it was well worth it!  hubby and i slowly walked the flea market sunday morning, and that helped loosen things up.  

i also found a trivet at walmart that i got all excited about and had to have;

yep, it will be used as a stamp for backgrounds on many future canvasses!

i'm not sure what today will hold as far as my canvas challenge.  part of me is hesitating to continue with how i want the canvas to unfold, because of the old fear that i will 'mess it up'.  i know what i want to happen and what i want it to look like, but the artist problems are kicking my butt.  

on that note i'll leave you with some writing i did at the workshop.  

this prompt was about my inner critic;

this bitch has pearls on 

and is looking down her nose at me over her glasses.  

she thinks she knows everything 

and that whatever i do is trash, 

or that i will fail or get hurt.  

she thinks that she is saving me from being hurt 

when in fact she is doing the hurting!  

i don't need her screaming in my ear 

every time i leave the couch 

or if i am in front of the canvas.

i don't like her very much.  

and another prompt about my muse;

she wears flowing fuchsia dresses

and has wild hair.

she adores that i am here today

and loves that i am taking my art on a heart quest.

she wants me to keep doing what i'm doing,

take chances,

be adventurous,

and grow.

she loves that i am taking classes and wants me

to experiment

with

       all 

           of

                it.

she loves me!

i need to listen to my muse more often.

until later,

jenny

update and lion painting

i've had a bit of a stall with creativity lately, unfortunately.  it's very frustrating to go thru when you want to succeed at something but these ebb and flow cycles seem to run the show.  dealing with a bit more pain the last week or so and just been in recovery mode, doing the barest minimum... breathing, eating, taking care of the critters.  

i started a bullet journal  in late july to help get me more organized and i had hoped to do a 31 day challenge this month, already feeling like a failure knowing some boxes would not be checked already.  

each day we add one thing to do, 

so days 1 and 2 just have boxes for the 31 days

but, IT'S OK!  this is not going for perfection.  life is about trying, doing your best with what you have at the moment.  whatever you are doing is the best you can do, no matter what joe shmo thinks.  

In my daily spreads I track my water intake –three sobe 0’s a day is goal- how I slept via my fitbit, my pain level and symptoms as well as what I hope to do that day and notes about what made me happy or other important events.

i'm starting this in an old notebook, so it's rather fluid as I find what spreads I need before getting a journal dedicated for this system.

i'm getting the calling to work on a lion painting i started a little while ago after a vision I had of a lion with a crown of candles on his head.

i came back to him like this

I’ve been getting lots of lion messages, and know this is the time to complete him, or at least work with his energy.  as I researched lions to get reference photos of the face, I came across info about the lions gate portal, which is not something I was aware of.  I find this part interesting;

“take what is of low frequency and you will transform it and turn it into Golden Light!  Even though you may be surrounded by people who are filled with fear and anger and other low frequency emotions and who are making choices based on these emotions, you will make your choices from Love and Compassion and you will be the Diamond Light that shines clearly and magnificently. “

 i love that my lion vision has him with the light of candles onto of his head.  i am going to run with the lions gate portal in this painting.  i feel it's important.

he's coming along nicely

i need to figure out how to paint the candle glow on his fur, and am nervous so am stalling a little bit with that detail.  but, it must get done, even if it's not 'perfect' in my artist head.

until later,

jenny

my blog is 1 today!

happy 1 year blogiversary to my little old self!  i've done pretty well with it as i have 54 posts up as of this one.   i didn't put up a post a week like it sounds i did, but i'm really impressed by what i accomplished when life was rolling on.  i've grown as an artist as well as a blogger and thats what my intention was.  so, it's a good day.  heres to many more!

i don't have cake or balloons to celebrate, but look!  i have an orb!

what a cute little orb it is!

yesterday i sketched another prospective octopus pose because i didn't feel well, and i also put a few more details in the coral, added some bubbles, brought in some more light rays, clenched my teeth and added the orb.  

it was pretty frightening for me to add a big bold egg shape to this enchanted ocean background, but i live with anxiety and fear in my daily life so i decided to put my foot down and not be afraid of my own art!  this is how an artist grows, and i am refusing right here and now to be afraid to grow as an artist.  i refuse stagnation in my art.  

today is another rough pain day.  i think it's the weather changing as it's cold and windy again today.  so, i sprayed my painting with a ton of fixative to let dry until i'm ready to play with the octopus!  i'm going to continue sketching her until i've refined the pose to one i'm willing to live with.  each night i've been seeing tentacles when i close my eyes...

as an added 'gift' to you, and i've shown glimpses of it here and there, i'll show you my upgraded elephant i thought was finished last august.

here he is then

and now

i can't wait to hang him up in our bedroom, but i'm still wanting to get his eyes 'just right'.

pita and pixel wondered what i was doing

until later,

jenny

painting a vision

yesterday i was busy painting a vision i had the night before.  it was a very detailed picture of an octopus in the ocean, reaching to grab a yellow orb (the sun, possibly) from the surface to drag it to her.  i tried to keep as much memory of it alive thru the night so i could work on it the next day, and i think i'm pretty good with all of the tiny detail that i have retained.

yesterday i worked on finding reference photos of the little elements i needed, like the water on the surface and the highlights of the sun underneath the water.  i sketched out my vision and went to work with the underpainting of the background for this amazing creature.

i will make sure each tentacle has some sort of story.  

this is just a rough sketch

i also looked up the meaning of octopus, as every animal has a lesson to teach us.  i knew octopus came to me last night for a reason.

octopus tells us to relax and be flexible in our lives, to move with fluidity and grace, in a more natural, easy going way.  octopus is very smart and loves a puzzle, it teaches us to continue striving for knowledge pertaining to our dreams.  i love the symbolism of my vision with the octopus reaching for the prize in order to hold it closer.

the under painting of many layers to come

finding the sun rays and toning things down a bit

another layer toning some things down and brightening others

getting some life in the ocean

this morning i have some symptoms that are getting in the way of an ideal painting day, but i wanted to get a little more on the canvas.  this painting came to me and i will respect that.  every little dab of paint is a bow to the reason i am here, a bow to spirit, a bow to life and love.  i respect this painting and will give it my utmost attention, even if it has to be in short bursts.

and on that note, this morning i only added some magenta and yellow to the sky to make it more alive, and i added more coral to the ocean floor before going to the couch for some recovery time.

i'm very excited about how it is coming life, and i look forward to time spent with painting this creature!

until later,

jenny

art challenge- day 3

yesterday i did not post my failures.  i tried to make art on the other 2 cards i had gessoed, and found that the paint as well as the gesso was just coming off.  so the card makers did a great job with gunk-proofing their cards.  kudos to them.

one with collage and one without, then one without any gesso. 

all failures.

i had thought of sanding the cards so they aren't so slick, but decided that, as a woman with fibromyalgia and without much patience i should not expend my energy and time sanding 30 playing cards.  stupid idea!  and then i remembered that i am a packrat like many artists (and non-artists), and have saved greeting cards from everyone who ever sent me a card... since, practically, ever.   i decided to cut the front of the card from the back and use the inside of the cards to art on.  the outside of cards are slick but not the inside of a lot of them.  of course i am saving the really important cards for personal reasons, like ones with my daddys' handwriting on them, or ones from special friends.  but the others are fair game.  pretty sure i can find 30 cards that don't mean too much to my heart.  i will make up the two 'art on greeting card challenge' entries during the month.


i spent a good hour playing with my first card.  using acrylics, water soluble oil crayons, and india inks, i layered a nice amount of color and texture.  then i turned the card until i found the subject of my art.  i was surprised by what came out.  not my normal style, but i'm SO pleased with the finished product!

he is painted with shiny silver paint and i love him!  i added black to the silver for shadow areas and white to it for highlights that still have shine.  i love the background colors and i love the shine and i love the bird on his head and i love that he has a personality.

i think my first official day 1 has been a success!

until later,
jenny

putting off decisions

i started HeavenSpirit Creations while making spirit dolls about ten years ago.  the poseable dolls were a creative outlet while my grandmother was transitioning to the other side after a stroke, and they were a way for me to meditate and listen to spirit.

these dolls took a toll on my body and i tried to develop other ways to make them that would be more gentle to my health.  

i also had a little success with some beaded dolls, and while both types of dolls were very popular, they were still too much for my chronic pain.

earth elemental beaded doll

 earth elemental beaded doll- back

i had to give up sewing these beloved dolls and go on to other creative ventures.  i have gone back to drawing and painting which i had enjoyed in my younger years but never really felt was my groove.  until now. 

now i’m ready to fling paint.  to learn by doing.  to be free and fly and be true to myself. 

i’m at a point where i am considering really putting myself and my art out there, possibly to sell.  my art is my soul on canvas and to put a price tag on my soul is a frightening thing.  i am sensitive to a fault and any perceived criticism to my art would be a blow.  i know people who have this need to belittle others to build themselves up, and the internet has many people who do this for fun.  i do not want to put my feelings on the line for a sale or two, so am stalling taking the big step. 

i have considered going to art events to show my work and possibly make a sale, but i don’t see how anything like that will work for me right now.  i have social anxiety disorder which makes any social interaction hell on earth.   i even have to psych myself up to visit with a friend or family member, even my own grown children.  

i think i honestly need a manager.  someone who will walk me thru these difficult things, take my hand and lead me thru the danger, making sure the bad guys don’t get me!  someone who will check emails to make sure they don’t have mean things in them before i read them.  someone who will go with me to functions and do the majority of the small talk.  it might make me look stuck up or something, but i can’t do things the way others do.  some really make living life look easy!

i still have time to make up my mind to sell or not to sell.  i have a lifetime, really.  but, with my art studio under construction my life is still a mess.  i can’t do all the things i wish to do artistically with a lot of my materials still in boxes.  i have at least until my studio is complete to make a decision.  then i will have space to be more organized to be a “real” business. 

this blog is a huge step for me toward whatever i decide to do next with my art.  and believe me when i say i have lost a lot of sleep about even this step!  i will sit with things the way they are, until i am more comfortable and the terror becomes more manageable before deciding to change things up again.

until later,

jenny