Monday, June 15, 2015

putting off decisions

i started HeavenSpirit Creations while making spirit dolls about ten years ago.  the poseable dolls were a creative outlet while my grandmother was transitioning to the other side after a stroke, and they were a way for me to meditate and listen to spirit.

these dolls took a toll on my body and i tried to develop other ways to make them that would be more gentle to my health.  

i also had a little success with some beaded dolls, and while both types of dolls were very popular, they were still too much for my chronic pain.

earth elemental beaded doll

 earth elemental beaded doll- back

i had to give up sewing these beloved dolls and go on to other creative ventures.  i have gone back to drawing and painting which i had enjoyed in my younger years but never really felt was my groove.  until now. 

now i’m ready to fling paint.  to learn by doing.  to be free and fly and be true to myself. 

i’m at a point where i am considering really putting myself and my art out there, possibly to sell.  my art is my soul on canvas and to put a price tag on my soul is a frightening thing.  i am sensitive to a fault and any perceived criticism to my art would be a blow.  i know people who have this need to belittle others to build themselves up, and the internet has many people who do this for fun.  i do not want to put my feelings on the line for a sale or two, so am stalling taking the big step. 

i have considered going to art events to show my work and possibly make a sale, but i don’t see how anything like that will work for me right now.  i have social anxiety disorder which makes any social interaction hell on earth.   i even have to psych myself up to visit with a friend or family member, even my own grown children.  

i think i honestly need a manager.  someone who will walk me thru these difficult things, take my hand and lead me thru the danger, making sure the bad guys don’t get me!  someone who will check emails to make sure they don’t have mean things in them before i read them.  someone who will go with me to functions and do the majority of the small talk.  it might make me look stuck up or something, but i can’t do things the way others do.  some really make living life look easy!

i still have time to make up my mind to sell or not to sell.  i have a lifetime, really.  but, with my art studio under construction my life is still a mess.  i can’t do all the things i wish to do artistically with a lot of my materials still in boxes.  i have at least until my studio is complete to make a decision.  then i will have space to be more organized to be a “real” business. 

this blog is a huge step for me toward whatever i decide to do next with my art.  and believe me when i say i have lost a lot of sleep about even this step!  i will sit with things the way they are, until i am more comfortable and the terror becomes more manageable before deciding to change things up again.

until later,

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