amazing results within the great pause

last I wrote I was about to give a new medicine a try for Babesia.  luckily the medicine wasn't as costly for us as it could have been, and also luckily for me the side effects have been minimal.

this medicine is called mepron (I'm on the generic), and my life is so much better for it!  my main issue with the medicine is that I must take it with a high fat meal.  those get me queasy, so I've been dealing with a yucky tummy twice a day for 2 months now.  poor sweetie is careful with the smells of his own meals, as its like dealing with a pregnant wife these days.  and, right after a queasy-making meal, I must force down this thick, yellow, paint-like substance that doesnt taste all that wonderful.  it's not been fun, but it has been a life saver so I deal with it.

it's worth the yuckies!

a few weeks ago I found a strange rash(s) on my knee.  they were not a bruise, as when they disappeared they didn't go all the colors of the rainbow, they just faded as quickly as they popped up.  I let my lyme doctor know and we both suspected bartonella, so am on a couple more tinctures to help with that.  my energy level has decreased since getting the rash, so another reason I'm suspecting another infection.

they got even brighter red than this

the tinctures I'll be on for a while, but the yucky medicine I'll only be on another month- unless we decide differently.  I'm counting the days!

while I've not been called for creativity on the canvas, I've been able to do hard work in the yard, helping to build raised gardens and planting them and various other jobs. I'm glad for the spring, as I'm able to get off social media and go within while getting my hands busy in the soil.  it's been very healing even before the harvest.

the gardens have been my canvas

this year we built 3 raised beds at 4'x4' doing the square foot gardening method.  we also have 9 "buckets 'o stuff" that were planted mostly with left overs from starting seeds inside, but 4 of them planted with potatoes.  I transplanted some others here and there on the property to do what they wished, and sweetie built a watermelon spot 

I love sitting on the bench, just being with my gardens

the potatoes are doing great, and this one has some flower buds starting

this mess I started clearing yesterday.  

some are raspberries, but there was a ton of tree babies in there.

on the left of the path is my hidden sitting spot under a lilac, but you cant see it

some of "the wildlings" with their wooden stakes to climb, 

and my watermelon area

I also have some sunflowers (bottom left) that were grown for this spot

my next project is to learn to can and preserve my harvest so I can have the healthiest food possible during the cold months!  

Lucy and I send you our love!

until later,

Jenny

health update

I went to my new lyme doctor a few weeks ago and she wanted to take more blood for even more testing.  she wanted to do a better lyme test with one of the best labs to find lyme and co-infections just to see if we can tell for sure what I'm fighting.  igenex is the name of the lab, and, while they still do have some trouble finding the nasties because nasties like to hide, they have a better chance at finding what tick-born infection(s) is/are raging in me because they have been perfecting finding Lyme disease since 1991.  it's all they do!  I've been waiting, not so patiently, for the results which could be back any day now... or in a few more weeks.  who knows.

the doctor also wanted to see if I have any food related allergies, so I ticked off all the foods I eat and might eat and we had them all tested.  basically I omitted any meat, minus chicken, as I still ate a bit of chicken 'bacon' with my eggs at breakfast.

turns out I'm having to re-adjust my whole life again.  these tests range in allergy from 0- 5 and the highest I tested was a 2 on egg whites and white beans, and I tested at a 0/1 on many things, including egg yolks.  the doctor wanted me to omit the level 2 allergy foods and limit the other ones, which include;
cow milk,
wheat,
almonds,
casein,
gluten,
banana,
spelt,
whey,
ginger,
kidney beans,
green beans,
and yogurt.

while I havnt had actual milk in a long while, I did enjoy my cheese and yogurt at times;  eggs were a must for me;  bananas were getting into my regular daily diet for muscle cramps and helping create a creamy healthful smoothie lately; almonds seem to be a substitute for gluten free items; and I still have no idea if "white beans" is a type of bean, or any white bean (a search defines "white bean" as "a white kidney bean, such as cannellini bean", but that still doesnt answer my question, since kidney bean is on my dont eat list, too.  and I just noticed that garbanzo beans aren't on the list tested at all, so are they related or in that group and I shouldn't have them???  if so, thats a HUGE issue*)...  so, after getting this news I kind of slipped into a woe is me kind of funk, not having any clue what I was going to eat and wishing I could forgo eating altogether.

*edit; sweetie did a further search and found white beans to be concerned about are kidney, navy and pinto.  hopefully that will be the end of my confusion over the 'bean issue'

I eat a large, yummy salad for lunches these days

Lyme disease patients hold several diets close for healing (and the diets are different for every person, but some do paleo (high meat), some do vegetarian or vegan, so its another confusing situation, and one to work through with my own body symptoms).  my bariatric diet says to limit, or better to do away with, things that bulk up in your tummy; rice, pasta, grains...  and now these new limitations!

smoothies with coconut yogurt are a staple still, minus the banana

boy am I glad for the internet, guys!  I have found many helpful vegetarian and vegan food blogs and am compiling recipes and tips galore.  the first few meals I've tried have been tasty and I know they are more healthy for me than store-bought foods.  it's strange shopping for ingredients and coming home with hardly any ready-to-eat stuff.  the biggest issue I'm having with it is that I dont yet have the energy to chop and cook most of these dishes, so sweetie has been stepping up YET AGAIN to do the cooking that I need.

sweetie has bought a cabinet 

and is in the process of building it into our peninsula

for my pantry goods.  

he's planning on building a shelf on the side for some cookbooks, too.

it's been about 2 weeks of eating better, and 1 week of in depth research (how much research am I going to have to do for all of my issues!?), and I'm feeling a bit more confident that this might be more do-able than I had feared.  I didn't think this new limitation would be sustainable for me in the slightest.  and I'm still just winging this whole thing.  if eating vegan means I have a little bit of brown rice in a certain meal, then I've decided to do it every once in a while.  with all my modifications, I've decided a bit of 'living' here and there won't hurt.

I've not gained any energy yet, but have let go of 3 pounds so far, so it's a step in a good direction, and I dont mind going 'mostly vegan'.  I do eat fish, but the rest of my diet is pretty close to vegan.  never thought I'd get to this kind of eating, but I'm happy to do so.  for the critters and for myself.

here are a few links to vegetarian/vegan sites that have intrigued me, in case you're in the lookout, too;

Jessica in the kitchen; has free printables of how to stock the kitchen, budget friendly tips and the most yummy sounding coconut chickpea curry recipe that I'm excited to try

she likes food; is a mostly gluten free vegetarian/vegan blogstress that has lots of one pot meals, kid friendly food, and Mexican inspired dishes.  I'm excited to try her spaghetti squash enchilada boats

forks over knives; is a wellness site with health information as well as tasty, plant-based recipes that are free for all.  I'm looking to try their chickpea omelet first!

holistically engineered;  follows a low-carb, grain free, paleo diet, so not vegetarian at all, but has some good vegetarian and gluten free recipes.  just use the search engine to find something suitable.  I tried their cinnamon "rice pudding" and it is yummy!


I'm hoping that all of these changes gives me some tangible health benefits soon.  I'd like to gain some energy in order to start making my own meals so I might stick with it in an easier way.  and to give poor sweetie a little break from caretaking.

*EDIT; I have test results. 

I have an active babesia infection, possible (probable) lyme and tick born relapsing fever. she wants me to get on the cancellation list to get in sooner so we can discuss treatment, and told me of what she'd like to put me on. lets just say $$$. I've been researching others experiences on one of the most costly meds and most say it's a miracle drug. soooo... we'll see what this new chapter brings.

until later,
Jenny

feels like forever

it's been a while since I've been attempting any artwork.  the holiday crazies were here- that could possibly be referring to my son and grandtwins from California, as well as the gift buying and wrapping that goes with the season.  I was also furiously resting my weakened body, delegating tasks, and letting go of a lot of my own expectations of the holiday.

seeing the grandtwins helped the mood!

I continue to be pretty exhausted and am looking forward to a lyme appointment in a couple of weeks.  hoping to get me back on track with my treatments and my emotional stability.  the feeling of going stagnant and even going backwards is very much present with me, and it's hard to get myself off the couch to do anything.  my sweetie only wants me to be happy (and healthy), and is excited if the only thing constructive I do is art related.

I was thrilled when sweetie gifted me with two classes this year!  I started the year off thinking I wouldn't be able to do the "lets face it" year long course this year.  this course has been a main part of my looking forward to a new week in the past years, and I knew this year would be even harder to look forward to without the weekly classes lovingly brought together by kara bullock < her facebook page.  not only was I signed up for "lets face it 2020" (which has 50 weeks of lessons from 26 artists!), but I was signed up for "fluid figures" (10 classes with 14 hours of invaluable instruction!) with Emma Petitt, a wonderful artist whose flowing style I highly admire.  both these courses have lifetime access with tons of downloadable content and facebook groups for guidance with the artists.

I started doing the first of Emmas 10 classes over the weekend and then crashed.  the first class was sketching in a short time frame of 30 seconds up to 2 minutes, gesso-ing after each loose sketch.   I finished the class up today with a 2 minute painting

I've also decided to fill a small sketchbook with hands, starting with the ASL alphabet.

I even got my stumpy little thumb, hehehe

we're 3 classes in since the beginning of lets face it, and I've only been able to do an attempt at week 2 with Angela Kennedy;

I had to stop before getting to the rest of the details

I was excited to learn to get more detail into the eyes during sketches

I'm very excited to work on the fluid figures class, as I dont think I have it in me to keep painting as tightly as I was with so much detail.  I dont need to get into realism to bring my voice into the world.

slow and steady I guess.  thats about as fast as I go these days!

until later,

Jenny

an update

hi guys!

I've had some pretty miserable moments lately, and some better ones as well.  the other day I did an oracle card reading for myself and was happy with the results that stated that the illness I'm dealing with was a way to get back to my spirituality and to change the way I saw myself.  doing more self care and standing up for myself these days.  I felt empowered by the reading, and in that feeling I vowed to challenge myself to do a little bit of 'art-stuff' each day in October.  (and then the very next day I was full of rage against the world... you get used to the emotional and physical roller coaster ride that is Lyme disease after a while)

 a not-so-good moment

a better moment

I recently took new photos of the mini Spirit Animal paintings I have available for sale and put them up in my art facebook page.  I'll have to put them here as well.  I think they show the paintings better now, and I've gotten a sale from it.  here are a few:

 "Be Yourself"

 "Sunshine"

SOLD

 "Heart of the Fox"

 "Sure Footed"

 "The Treasure"

"The Wary One"

the album in my facebook art page is HERE, and I'll also try to get them up in my for sale page shortly.

I'm still watching my classes in Let's Face It, and learning while watching even if I'm not up to doing any class work.  although, I've downloaded all the classes to date, I have a bunch of weeks worth of videos and lesson plans cluttering my desktop that need to go into their own folders.  what would be an easy thing to do while downloading has now become a chore.

yesterday I had an appointment with my lyme doctor.  I let her know how frustrated I am; the crazy but controlled anger; the 'out of my body' moments where everything is pretty much... oh well.  I tell you, this is a ride.   we decided on adding another treatment to the regime.  I'm to give myself a little shot twice a week for a month and then see how I'm doing.  this is a peptide treatment, which is supposed to support the immune system.  I'm also on something for the unrelenting nausea.  all in all, though she's pretty happy with how well I'm doing.  my pain level is down, which is huge.  I have had some 'good' days, which is huge.  I was able to help move a table when sweetie and son #4 helped my mother move houses, which is huge.  my doc tells me that being up to a full dose at this point of my treatment is huge.  so, I'm doing good work, it's just overwhelming if you do research on it and are living it.  I do hope this peptide treatment will get me 'over the hump' and let me feel that I'm doing better.  I'm strong and I will fight this to the end!  remission here I come!

I woke up today with an email from society6 that I was paid for a purchase made in august, so that was a lovely surprise!  I went to my page there to check out what was bought, and was amazed that there were 8 more in 'pending' mode!  I was doing an internal Snoopy dance, thats for sure!  hooray for collectors buying from the little businesses for the holidays or for themselves!  I checked my redbubble page, too, just to make sure nothing got by, and I updated my database to show earnings from both shops that I have neglected to update.

and then I decided I had a bit of energy to piddle in the studio for a bit;

just a little art journal page in its beginning stages, but it made me happy to get my fingers messy again!

and I'm done.  wiped out again, but I may have the spoons later on to finish watching this weeks class.  and I'll continue pushing myself to do a little something art-y each day this month.

until later,

Jenny

inching forward

hi there.

I've been in treatment for Lyme disease for a few months now,  and mightily stalled with the creativity.  but a few weeks ago I was given the urge and the motivation to create, so jumped at it for a couple of days.  I found a royalty free image on unsplash.com that matched the feeling I wanted to convey and worked on it slowly, bits at a time.

the painting is a vision of a woman in a pool of water, with lotus blooms around her ("no mud, no lotus").  she's looking up, though still in the murkiness of things.

 first sketching over the initial background feeling

 more drippiness

 getting more color in

my happy place

she's still very much a work in progress, but I'm liking how her face reflects a bit of how I'm feeling while in the midst of treating my Lyme disease.  she's struggling, sad, and yet she's hopeful.  she's strong but vulnerable.  she's kind of all over the place, just as I am.  I'm calling this "Emergence" or "Her Emergence"

since then I've stalled at creating again.  these ebbs and flows are something to make peace with.  to give myself the time I need, without guilt or "I should be...".


I've bought a cheap cane for when I'm wobbly and doing errands with my sweetie or on my own going to the doctors.  this decision was made after going to the cardiologist and parking in the wrong parking lot.  after a dizzy spell in the office I was feeling rather off kilter for the long walk out of the hospital and to my car parked in a distant spot.  I was inching my way down the hall, holding onto the wall for support, when a hospital staff offered his arm to me and, not taking no for an answer, walked me to the elevator, down 2 floors and out the door to my car!  while very appreciative to that gentleman, I dont want that to happen again, so a cane was bought the next weekend on our errand day.  it's helped a lot and I have made it my own with washi tape, cause thats what I do.

I woke up today with notice that someone from Belgium bought one of my fox paintings, ever alert, in my redbubble store!  I so appreciate my collectors, near and far!

you can find the painting here

these days I vacillate between feeling like a wrung out dish rag and feeling 'ok' or even 'good'.  the other day I felt 'good' when sweetie came home and asked me how I was.  I stopped him from getting too enthused by stating that my good isn't the same as it used to be.  its got a whole other definition these days.  but he told me that he will take whatever my 'good' is at the time.  it's a hell of a lot better than 'bad', or 'meh' or a kind of pain that steals my voice altogether.

this morning I had some energy and motivation and a list a mile long of things I'd like to get started with;  the house needs attention.  as happens with chronic illness, it's seen more love in the past;  I was given by my mother some new-to-me baby photos of my oldest boy, winter-orion, and need to scan them and upload them to his facebook memorial page;  I see the holidays approaching and wish to clear out my upstairs catch-all room to bring my easel and paint stuff up there, as I've found it is not healthy in my studio these days.  we need space in the house for family gatherings;  I also wish to continue with my painting I'm working on.  of, course I've used up all my extra momentum with this blog post, so I may be done for the day after hitting 'publish'.

current mood

until later,

Jenny

test results and closing a chapter...

I received a call from my integrative doctor the other day, saying that most of my tests came back ok, but there were a couple that been flagged.  they got right on the ball with sending me a copy of all my results so I could have them in my little mitts when I do my research.  I didn't have to ask or fight for these results like at my regular doctor.  impressed doesnt begin to describe how I'm continuing to feel about these caring people!

they told me over the phone I'm positive for Epstein-barr and my ANA was high.  they then gave me information on what treatments they'd like to add to help.

research mode was activated again!

 a great reference book and

my bible these days

during the wait for my test results I had to stop treatment for 10 days before a colonoscopy (one of the herbs has a blood thinning attribute to it), and when I restarted after a perfect result there, I had a herx (a reaction from the die-off) from restarting at the dose I had stopped on.  that was very telling for me, that I am absolutely doing good work with the treatment.


when I received my results in the mail I found the issues they had described, with the high numbers for Epstein-barr and the ANA, but I also noted that the western blot test had a reactive 41 band.  time to figure out what all of this meant before I went to see Bryna so as to not waste our time with explanations and such.  I needed to make sure I had as much information as I could so to ask knowledgeable questions with the limited time we had allotted us.

from the different websites and groups I have found information (and not going to places I dont trust), I have found that the single band 41 on the western blot is spirochete specific, actually the TAIL of a spirochete.

“Band 41 is specific for the flagella (tail) of spirochetes (corkscrew bacteria), but is not absolutely specific for Borrelia. Acute viral infections can cause false positive results. Recently reported data from IGeneX supports that some Lyme patients may have only restricted IgM response to Borrelia burgdorferi. Because Lyme patients have different immune systems, only approximately 70% of those with Lyme disease will generate a positive western blot. Patients who test positive for rheumatoid factor or Epstein-Barr virus may have false negative tests.”

from;

https://rawlsmd.com/health-articles/just-how-reliable-are-lyme-disease-lab-tests

lets read that again-  "Patients who test positive for rheumatoid factor or Epstein-Barr virus may have false negative tests."



I spent a good many days before my next appointment doing as much research as my brain could handle.  it's a hardship these days doing this kind of brain work when the brain symptoms seem to be getting extreme.  I've been having worry-dreams about my brain symptoms, and I think poor Lucy-pup may be having an identity crisis because I keep calling her a kitty.  

"bite your tongue, mama!"

sweetie picked up the first medicine that was an actual prescription called LDN (or low dose naltrexone. yes the same stuff they give to addicts).  it's used in small doses for those with chronic pain and I've heard good things about it.  I took my first dose and started to have 'breathing issues' that I thought might be lyme related.  the second night (a Friday) had my throat muscles in a tight spasm, me feeling very out of it and ill at ease, along with the breathing and chest tightness.  so, I didn't take it again and I spoke to Bryna about it when I saw her that next Monday.  she said she's never seen side effects from LDN, but I *just now* read that even getting to the 'low dose' of 3mg, a lyme patient must start even lower. 

and in an excerpt and with good info about benefits of LDN (including combatting cancer, and treating Alzheimers), from here;


“LDN can and usually does backfire with untreated Lyme disease. That is how I discovered that I have Lyme, because I tried LDN and everything got much worse, and prompted me to get testing done that revealed Lyme. Since then I have heard the same story repeated again and again from many people with Lyme. In my opinion, the ability to tolerate LDN is a good test of the relative severity of infection when you do have Lyme. LDN seems to “turn the lights on” for your immune system and reveal everything that was previously invisible. If there’s nothing there, you’re fine. If your body is riddled with spirochetes, you’re in for a BUMPY ride as all-out warfare commences.  Lyme sufferers that have been on antibiotics for extended lengths of time or have less severe cases seem to do alright with LDN.”

I guess I'm just a sick little pup with this!

the rest of my appointment went very well.  Bryna didn't think much about my western blot band #41 coming out positive, since the testing is all crap.  what did impress her was the Epstein-barr and ANA results being high.  those results along with my history and symptoms cemented the diagnosis for her, which was the one thing I was concerned about.  I didn't want to have to start all over again to try to figure out whats causing all these years of illness and pain.  they took 6 more vials of blood from me, which I was too tired (and still am) to look the tests up and find what they all mean.

we also discussed the antibiotic/no antibiotic question again.  I have always been more of a natural girl, dreading having to take prescriptions for anything due to my history of being sensitive to everything, including over the counter stuff.  sweetie, though, was more interested in my trying antibiotics to speed up healing.  bryna and I decided to stay the course with the herbal treatment since I'm SO sensitive to medicines and I seem to be doing well with the treatment I've been on.  I told her about the bad couple of days I had with herxing (my biggest symptom was I had to force my muscles to move to get out of bed the second morning, was utterly exhausted in a way I've never felt before). Bryna asked if I had stopped the treatment when feeling so bad.  honestly, I had forgotten it was an option.  I've been in such pain and fatigue for so long, that my brain said "wow, this is a really bad day" and I dealt with it as I usually do.  I was able enough to remember to do some good detoxing treatments, though, and I felt better on the third day.  I'll try to remember for next time that there is no need to feel like crap if I dont have to, and to lower the dose or stop treatment until I feel better!

altogether I seem to be feeling less daily pain than when I started the treatment, which is huge!  my sweet man has even mentioned that I'm looking like I'm in less pain, so it's noticeable.  Its still a fluid thing, though.  I'm still in pain, it still wanders the body.  I still tingle and feel like bugs are crawling all over me at times.  weather still affects me.  but these sensations are all 'better'.

the brain stuff is frustrating, though.  especially when I get a few days in a row of heightened brain symptoms.    losing words, disassociating, spelling errors, my handwriting and spelling is horrible, emails from me are getting more difficult to read. (when I go back after sending them, I often wonder what word it was I was trying to spell that spellcheck 'corrected' for me)...  I feel like I have dementia these days.  my balance can be pretty bad at times.  I had to cancel my physical therapy sessions knowing I had to drive there each week (scary) and since I'm just so bad with the balance and such, I decided to wait until I'm at a more stable place in my recovery to start working on my back injury.

my energy levels might be getting a smidge better.  though I'm still going to bed at a toddler time, it's later than it used to be!  I used to watch the clock all day until I could trudge up the stairs to bed at 6:30 whereas now I'm starting to see 8pm!  I try to turn off the tv when honey gets home (after he eats, cause I have noise sensitivities and eating sounds drive me batty), so we can spend a few minutes chatting like husband and wife.  some days I'm just too tired to talk.  I still take naps some days, and still am too tired to make it to 8:30-9pm.

I now have some new supplements for treatment prescribed for me, and, knowing my sensitivities I'll be starting the first one this weekend when honey is home.  it feels like I'm an infant taking its first foods.  I have to take things slowly and one at a time to make sure I dont react to them.  I'll start with a low dose of the first one for a few days and increase to a point I'm comfortable with before adding in the next one.  again, these aren't items people with good immune function will react to, but since my body is very ill with something that is so different for each lyme patient, I cant take chances.  I'm also on the lookout for other supplements I can use that will help the brain function and energy levels that are being stubborn with the treatment I'm currently on.  but, again, researching is hard when the brain doesnt brain well!



during this time I've made the difficult decision to take my paintings home from Bates Crafters Gallery.  that was a huge loss in my eyes, but I hadn't sold anything in quite a while anyway, and I dont see myself creating new work to sell in the near future.  who knows how long I'll be in this state of quagmire, not feeling the motivation to be creative in any way.  Fran and Mike Bates were very sympathetic and wished me healing.  I could see the care in their eyes and sweet words they sent me later.  I'm still going to be haunting them in the hopes that I'll be back.  

I might update my 'sales' page here to see if there is any interest from the general public for receiving an original in the mail.  then again, it takes effort I dont seem capable of expending right now to fiddle with uploading photos and dealing with the post office and bank, so maybe thats another road I cant yet travel.  

guys, this is frustrating!

puppy kisses help, though

thanks for hanging in there with me.  I appreciate you!
until later,
Jenny

slight progress

I have not done any creative work for about 4 months now, but I can feel some lifting in the creative mood at times!  a couple of days ago I found myself on unsplash.com looking at copyright free images to hopefully bring the muse out from hiding.  that was the moment it seemed I might be trying to feel the urge to create.  it was a little step, but for me it made me tear up.

I've been dreading picking up the pencil and paintbrush again.  thinking that I might have lost the talent I have acquired in the last few years.  that I would have to struggle to gain any ground again.  I became more depressed thinking that I might not get it back.  it might have been a fluke that I had been able to paint something that resembled what I was going for.  I had been circling the drain for too long, and I couldn't find my way out of danger.

going online to even look at reference photos was a minute of celebration for my creative urges!  I couldn't say I was back, but I was tip-toeing my way there.

and, today, the urge struck!  I got out my journal and pencil and sketched out 'the afghan girl', which is a favorite subject of mine.  this was a quick, loose sketch, with my hand at the end of the pencil to make it even more loose.  my sweetie even noticed the new pencil hold.  and it worked!  it was a fun way to put feeling into the paper.

it's not perfect.  thats not what I was after.  I needed to play with it, to not care about the outcome but to feel the creative juices flowing in me again.  to see where I stood.

did I lose anything while in my artistic deep freeze?  I lost 4 months of flow.  I lost some self esteem in the moment.  but talent?  no, I didn't lose my talent.  it's still there.  I dont have to worry.

I might not get out the brushes and canvas tomorrow, but I am yet another step toward that jumping in point.  I put my toe in, and it felt good!

we'll see how this season goes.  September is when I normally go downhill, only to come back up when spring lengthens the daylight again.  this year, what is usually a short depression in June/July turned into this huge dark scary storm.  I'm hoping that this years SAD depression will be slight, but I'm still roughing it.  it's still scary at times.  the depression and anxiety get to be this living breathing being that sits beside me on the couch with my pup.

today I beat it!

( this post is not perfect, either.  I'm being loose with my writing, too, I guess.  I'm getting it out of my head, and thats good, so I'll leave it be.  'done, not perfect'.)

until later,
Jenny

class work and a new print up in the shop

hi there.

this is my 100th post!!!

i've been silent here but doing internal work as well as working on my journal from Facing Forward II with the lovely effy wild.

effy seems to have a certain style of art as well as teaching that i really connect with.  she teaches as a friend would.  with a human to human connection.  she keeps it real and shows you the whole process.  she fixes issues on camera, shows you where she has a dilemma and brings you thru her aha moments.  it's like creating with my best friend or sister when i watch her class videos.

facing forward II is an 8 week class called "the things i need to hear".  in it she guides you thru some journalling to get to the meat of the matter, to turn your problems around so that your journal is filled with beautiful words you might hear from a loved one.  i've decided to follow effys' lessons as closely as i can with the materials i have, and then to do each lesson my own way, giving me a larger journal with twice as many wonderful things i need to hear, and twice as many beautiful journal spreads.

 today i finished my take on week number 1, so thought i'd share my journal so far;

my cover

page with space for affirmation cards

and following effys week 1 lesson

words that heal my heart

"it takes energy to heal"

beginning with the journalling for this spread my critic complained that i didn't do enough, that i was 'lazy'.  i countered that horrible voice knowing that i need to rest when my body says to rest.  i need to listen to my body instead of the critic voice.  frida kahlo came to make sure i listened to this spread, and i'm so glad she did.  this is a very layered page, and that hints to not seeing others' pain by what they show.  frida was a very strong woman who suffered greatly and still found it in her to paint.  paint must have been in her blood, because i think i might have wallowed in a ball of goo and pity if i had lived her life.  

i loved this spread so took some good photos before adding the text in order to put her in the shop.  

prints here

totes

phone cases

travel mugs

and more in the shop!

i'm seriously thinking about adding her with the text "it takes energy to heal" as well, because i think it's a very powerful statement for many with chronic illness.  a lot of us need to let go of guilt when we become sick.  of course, now that i think about it, the way things crop the words wouldn't show on most of the merchandise anyway.  too bad!  gonna have to think...

until later,

jenny

painting a vision

yesterday i was busy painting a vision i had the night before.  it was a very detailed picture of an octopus in the ocean, reaching to grab a yellow orb (the sun, possibly) from the surface to drag it to her.  i tried to keep as much memory of it alive thru the night so i could work on it the next day, and i think i'm pretty good with all of the tiny detail that i have retained.

yesterday i worked on finding reference photos of the little elements i needed, like the water on the surface and the highlights of the sun underneath the water.  i sketched out my vision and went to work with the underpainting of the background for this amazing creature.

i will make sure each tentacle has some sort of story.  

this is just a rough sketch

i also looked up the meaning of octopus, as every animal has a lesson to teach us.  i knew octopus came to me last night for a reason.

octopus tells us to relax and be flexible in our lives, to move with fluidity and grace, in a more natural, easy going way.  octopus is very smart and loves a puzzle, it teaches us to continue striving for knowledge pertaining to our dreams.  i love the symbolism of my vision with the octopus reaching for the prize in order to hold it closer.

the under painting of many layers to come

finding the sun rays and toning things down a bit

another layer toning some things down and brightening others

getting some life in the ocean

this morning i have some symptoms that are getting in the way of an ideal painting day, but i wanted to get a little more on the canvas.  this painting came to me and i will respect that.  every little dab of paint is a bow to the reason i am here, a bow to spirit, a bow to life and love.  i respect this painting and will give it my utmost attention, even if it has to be in short bursts.

and on that note, this morning i only added some magenta and yellow to the sky to make it more alive, and i added more coral to the ocean floor before going to the couch for some recovery time.

i'm very excited about how it is coming life, and i look forward to time spent with painting this creature!

until later,

jenny