new painting in first stages

 I have a thought.  my sweet muse is in there, tickling my temples, itching her way free of the confines of the critic that keeps her trapped.  I have the skills to make this painting happen; to set my muse free in order to heed the call of instilling her creative passions in me.  the critic (the inner script) is trying to 'keep me safe', but I know the truth; the script is trying to hold me down.  that voice has never been my friend, has never really had my best interests at heart, just wanted to control, to belittle, to smash my dreams for the critics' funsies.

anyway... 

I have a thought!

I have a specific title already at hand before any work has happened.  a series of words that came to me in an email and I liked the ring of them strung together.  I then set to find the reference photo I thought I had already in my unsplash account.  the photo was there but incomplete in the information I want to show.  so I had a task ahead of me and ended up with 4 photos to work from.

by Dave Goudreau

by Francesca Zama

by Jared Subia

by Bach Tran

these photos have most of the body information I want to share, and then I have other elements I will stick here and there as I see fit.

I'm not going for any sort of realism in my work, just the gesture and emotion.  I'm going for feeling.  and the muse has my back.

after a while sketching out the elements I have the rough draft of my ideas so far

this pose was harder than anticipated

waiting for daylight 

to start the real work 

of painting her into being

until later,

Jenny

The Weary Lightworker, a new painting

I've been in a creative mood lately it seems, which fits me fine!  a bit of dabbling in paint after a bit of dabbling in the garden has been very soothing lately.  my soul needs a break from all the heavy stuff, and this painting is a reflection of that.

per usual, I started with a pose I liked via unsplash.com and used it for body position and shadow reference.  I was also inspired by a class by Lucy Cooke in Lets Face It 2020 where she created a "Modern Matisse".  I knew I wanted to try my hand at a bit more pattern, more background to my painting, but I wanted it also in a style more my own.

this was the pose I was drawn to for this class.

(forgive the placement issue, blogger has changed the format and I'm not used to it yet.  not sure it will do everything I wish it to)

I sketched out the pose;

added some bold color;

then I found a painting by Matisse that felt good to me and found some colors

then to start painting!

and at this point, and for the rest of the painting I wondered "what have I done!?"

The Weary Lightworker 

8/6/2020 Jenny gabrenas
her crown is askew as she takes a rest. she reflects on how to continue her work, as she loves this world so deeply.

I fiddled way too much with the feet/legs that aren't even close to the center of attention.  everything else seemed ok, but those non-important (and off the canvas of the original photo) feet really threw me for a loop.  I finally am to the point of aquiescense with the appendages, and might be finished with the effort of fiddling with such unimportant details.   the problem is they are all I see right now.  

so, I now turn my attention to the things I like about this painting;

I adore the message.  she is me.  I love the world and it's inhabitants.  I wish to help spread the light to all souls in order to help rise above the chaos, but I am so very weary.  I will take my time to rest when I am overwhelmed by things, adjust my crown and get back to it.  

I love her sweet little face and her crooked crown, symbolizing my humanness.  my faults that are present because I am here on earth and have forgotten what my spirit knows.

I love the textures in the background and the pink peeking through.  I love the white and pink chair.  I love the folds in her clothes.  I love her hair.

so, there are many aspects of this work that I really can appreciate, so I will keep my focus on those.  and, thats exactly how I can keep my calm during my difficult times.  I will focus on the good.  what do I like?  what is good here, now?  where is the pretty color, where is my joy?

I hope this painting gives you some joy, something to focus on, something that can inspire you to rest, take a breath and adjust your own crown.

until later,

Jenny

class work and a new print up in the shop

hi there.

this is my 100th post!!!

i've been silent here but doing internal work as well as working on my journal from Facing Forward II with the lovely effy wild.

effy seems to have a certain style of art as well as teaching that i really connect with.  she teaches as a friend would.  with a human to human connection.  she keeps it real and shows you the whole process.  she fixes issues on camera, shows you where she has a dilemma and brings you thru her aha moments.  it's like creating with my best friend or sister when i watch her class videos.

facing forward II is an 8 week class called "the things i need to hear".  in it she guides you thru some journalling to get to the meat of the matter, to turn your problems around so that your journal is filled with beautiful words you might hear from a loved one.  i've decided to follow effys' lessons as closely as i can with the materials i have, and then to do each lesson my own way, giving me a larger journal with twice as many wonderful things i need to hear, and twice as many beautiful journal spreads.

 today i finished my take on week number 1, so thought i'd share my journal so far;

my cover

page with space for affirmation cards

and following effys week 1 lesson

words that heal my heart

"it takes energy to heal"

beginning with the journalling for this spread my critic complained that i didn't do enough, that i was 'lazy'.  i countered that horrible voice knowing that i need to rest when my body says to rest.  i need to listen to my body instead of the critic voice.  frida kahlo came to make sure i listened to this spread, and i'm so glad she did.  this is a very layered page, and that hints to not seeing others' pain by what they show.  frida was a very strong woman who suffered greatly and still found it in her to paint.  paint must have been in her blood, because i think i might have wallowed in a ball of goo and pity if i had lived her life.  

i loved this spread so took some good photos before adding the text in order to put her in the shop.  

prints here

totes

phone cases

travel mugs

and more in the shop!

i'm seriously thinking about adding her with the text "it takes energy to heal" as well, because i think it's a very powerful statement for many with chronic illness.  a lot of us need to let go of guilt when we become sick.  of course, now that i think about it, the way things crop the words wouldn't show on most of the merchandise anyway.  too bad!  gonna have to think...

until later,

jenny

day 23 and the weekend

day 22 was a bust.  i was run down and lethargic and didn't get to the studio.  but i was back on it on friday, day 23.   taking baby steps is still going forward!

i dripped more purple ink and i worked on putting more color on each lily.

pita pup helped

saturday i went to a day retreat.  it was a full day of yoga, writing and art.  i went knowing it would be good growth, and it sure was.  i knew nobody there, except for a local Facebook friend that i hadn't met yet, so this was a huge stretch for me.  at one point, not long ago, i was agoraphobic.  i wouldn't even go outside in my own yard because the neighbors or people in cars would see me.  i'm much better now, but still am seriously closed off from the world.

it was THE best group of gals that could have been there.  a small group of about 7 guests and 2 facilitators, all were gentle and understanding of any feelings that could crop up.  the workshop was well organized and the day went quickly.  so quickly that i got no photos.

i did get messy, though

 i used charcoal from the burned logs at the fire pit. 

 later i found faces in the scribbles

 heres what those messy hands made

and another background started at the workshop

AND... there were goats!

the day ended with new friends and a fresh soul.  i learned a lot about being vulnerable in a safe, accepting and loving space, and the writing prompts were enlightening and engaging.  i highly recommend OPEN Art &Yoga, and plans are underway for a second weekend long retreat in the spring!

sunday was yet another rest day away from the canvas.  it was a busy day, but i could have eeked out some time if the body didn't feel so abused from being off the couch the day before.  the yoga that day had been gentle and felt so good as i did it, but the fibromyagic muscles aren't used to that much use.  i knew going in that the next day would be rough, but it was well worth it!  hubby and i slowly walked the flea market sunday morning, and that helped loosen things up.  

i also found a trivet at walmart that i got all excited about and had to have;

yep, it will be used as a stamp for backgrounds on many future canvasses!

i'm not sure what today will hold as far as my canvas challenge.  part of me is hesitating to continue with how i want the canvas to unfold, because of the old fear that i will 'mess it up'.  i know what i want to happen and what i want it to look like, but the artist problems are kicking my butt.  

on that note i'll leave you with some writing i did at the workshop.  

this prompt was about my inner critic;

this bitch has pearls on 

and is looking down her nose at me over her glasses.  

she thinks she knows everything 

and that whatever i do is trash, 

or that i will fail or get hurt.  

she thinks that she is saving me from being hurt 

when in fact she is doing the hurting!  

i don't need her screaming in my ear 

every time i leave the couch 

or if i am in front of the canvas.

i don't like her very much.  

and another prompt about my muse;

she wears flowing fuchsia dresses

and has wild hair.

she adores that i am here today

and loves that i am taking my art on a heart quest.

she wants me to keep doing what i'm doing,

take chances,

be adventurous,

and grow.

she loves that i am taking classes and wants me

to experiment

with

       all 

           of

                it.

she loves me!

i need to listen to my muse more often.

until later,

jenny

challenge, days 3 and 4

i wasn't feeling too chipper yesterday, but i was able to put a layer on for day 3;

this one was washi tape and acrylics.  i painted in white and scraped more positive words with a pencil tip.



day 4 has me doing more drippy layers in blues.  this morning i was feeling pretty craptastic about my art in general.  just like 'why do i even bother when the whole world does better art than i do'.  then i went to the studio, flung some drippy paint at the canvas and let gravity do it's magic.  suddenly all was better in my life!

and this is why i art; because the very act of it makes me happy.  there is magic in the paint.  there is magic in the act of painting.

i've done a second go round today after the first drippage event, this time in a light green shade, and i feel like i need to have mark photograph this one for the shop, i love it so much!

the blues you see here are much more faded than what i'm seeing in the studio.  it will take me holding it outside and mark taking the photo with our good camera in correct sunlight for it to come out right.  it's gorgeous!

until later,
jenny

a little reminder to myself

i will not compare where i am now in my artistic journey 

to where others are in theirs. 

i will not watch tutorials on techniques

 and then declare my previous work to be crap. 

i will be kind to myself, always, 

and know that self taught learning is difficult at times.

 it will be ok.

i posted this on Facebook after researching underwater paintings and finding a tutorial that i admired. it's an important message, and i felt the need to keep it safe in my blog so i can find it again and again, and again forever.

lucy pup approves of this message.  

or not.  

until later,

jenny

stagnation

i'm feeling so lost right now as an artist, and i feel it's so strange that i have this new kitty and i don't feel the color right now.  it could be that i'm still depressed and the kitty is keeping me from feeling the full brunt of it (thank you, pixel!).  it could be that i'm waiting for spring to make it's way to new england to thaw my emotions a little.  i'm angry at myself for not being able to force the muse.  i read about how this or that or the other artist works daily on their creativity and i am not able or willing to do that.  maybe in time i will have that dedication, but not now.

is it dedication, or is it just pushing thru the bad stuff?

is it wrong to push?

i don't know.

i feel it's the season of rest for me.  even though i'm angry about the rest, about needing the rest, about my muse abandoning me, i know i must do what i feel is right for me and to not push the ebbs and flows of my art.

i know she will return to me.  she has before.

i've been watching all the videos for my Life Book classes, printing the pdf's, being inspired and taking it all in, but i haven't been faithful with actually doing all the lessons the way i want to.  i'm getting frustrated that, when i do, it hasn't come out the way i had wished.  some of that is discouraging me from putting brush to paper.  but i have been learning by watching and by seeing others' takes on the subject at hand and that's a good thing.

i am not totally put off by others artwork.  sometimes i get angry with seeing all the beauty others have made as i am friends with many artists on facebook.  and the anger is toward myself and my insecurities, not at the artist, nor is it a jealousy that others have this 'good fortune' to be successful.  i know it takes hard work- or just raw talent sometimes- to get as good as these people are.  and i'm even looking at 'primitive' art and seeing how wonderful it is and knowing that if i had painted the exact same painting that i wouldn't love it as much and wouldn't see its' beauty.  why is that???

so, this is just me coming to let myself off the hook.  letting you know i'm still alive but in a cocoon state at the moment.  i will be back, hopefully soon.

i'll leave you with my favorite view of one of my first favorite paintings, and a powerful word that i also have tattooed on my arm;

until later,
jenny

my magical yearbook

i mentioned in my last post that i'd been working on a big journal about my goals for the year.  taken from prompts at journalwild.com, this has been a great start to figure out what i really want to do with my year.  i'm almost finished with the journaling part of it, and then i will start to be more consistent with the actual work of the book.

i used an old discarded childrens' book i bought from the library and gessoed the pages enough that my details would be the focal point but you can still make out sweet drawings and some text.

dreaming of my ideal year

i needed to think of several goals i wish to accomplish this year and then figure out how to work small tasks related to the goal into daily life.

getting to some heavy stuff, the mean things i say to myself and which ones i want to try to get rid of this year.  slow steps

it's so pretty underneath, though

in another prompt i needed to come up with 52 things i love about me.  that took a little while and a lot of thought.

my favorite pages so far are the ones about spirit!

 pretty textures!

for one spread i knew i wanted a big tarot reading for the year.  twelve cards, one for each month, plus a card for the beginning of the year and one for the end.  i printed a mini version of each card chosen from my deck, Colette Baron-Reids wisdom of the oracle card deck.

 the spread with each months card in place.  

i chose a different deck for the beginning and end cards 

makes for a very fat book!

this was a great project for me to get my bearings on what i wished to have happen this year and figure out what little steps i can take every day to succeed!  

and, in other news...

this little man will be coming home to live with us in a few days!!!  he does have a name, but i am not sharing until he is safe and warm in my home.  his shelter name is dijon.

i had been extremely depressed lately and mark decided i needed something to distract me from my thoughts.  

since my loki kitty died suddenly in his sleep on my oldest sons birthday over a year ago, a hard enough day for me made more difficult, i have been wanting another kitty in my house.  we were down to zero kitties from 2, and i am not used to no kitties in my home.  i'd been wanting a ginger kitten.  my dad had one at the farm when i was little and he was a sweet guy, even putting up with a wedding between he and another tolerant kitty we had.  i have a sweet spot for gingers.  

so, mark said yes to a kitty in a text from work, but he wanted a cat from a shelter, not a kitten.  he wanted to help out the shelter, and not have to deal with the neutering and such ourselves.   i knew the cat i wanted.  i had seen a big brute of a cat in a photo at our grocery store for a long, long time.  i messaged the animal control about him and they told me he was feral, that he doesn't allow people to touch him.  i knew that if it wasn't for our crazy pup, lucy, who chased our kitty previously, that i wouldn't have a problem with the cat being antisocial.  but two crazy animals in one house is too much for even me.  i was heartbroken for the poor guy, though.

the next day the animal control Facebook page posted the photo you see above, asking if anyone knew the owners.  i fell hard for that sweet face!  he looked friendly and young.  a couple days after that, on a saturday, we went to the shelter to visit and see if his owners had shown up.  they hadn't, and the weather was bitter cold!  so glad he was in a safe, warm place.  i let them know if the owners didn't show that i was very interested in him.  i got to cuddle with him and he is so social and sweet!  they took my name, as the director was not there, and told me that she would give me a call.  when she called later that day, she had remembered me from my time working with a wildlife rehabber in the area and other times when we donated to the shelter.  we talked and she needed to know i was serious, as they needed room for other cats coming in left and right.  they would bring him to another shelter to make space for others in our area.  this guy also needed to be neutered, and would take money from their funds.  mark assured me we would find the money they asked for, for them to just break even, and she told me they wait 7 days for an owner to contact them.

today has been seven days!  i contacted them this morning, and they let me know that my little orange kitty will be going to the vet tomorrow, thursday, and we can pick him up on saturday!

i will update later with more photos of him in his new home and with his name.  i'm very excited, if you can't tell!

until later,

jenny