breathing as self care

it's been 10 days since pita went Home.

it's been difficult to live during these first terrible days.  i had to pay the remaining vet bill the next day, going thru that door so soon after going home without my fur-child.  and they called me the day before his 16th birthday to let me know his ashes were back.  i was so raw after that call that i knew i could not go that evening, especially by myself, so i made mental arrangements to go the next day, realizing then that i would be picking him up on his birthday.  my vets office, all the staff, they are wonderful.  after being their clients all these years, they know me by sight as well as name (except for the newbies).  both times i went to do business i was met at the chair i sat on, waiting my turn.  i was not allowed to wait in agony.  they came to me quickly and with the needed items in hand to do 'business' quickly, give me a hug, sincere condolences and a sweet word about my boy, and i was able to leave quickly, crying in private in the car before pulling out of the drive.

he now rests close to his favorite spot on the couch, 

and this was his spot to watch out the window

pitas box is beautiful, and i also received a paw print, which is nice to hold and rub the sweet indentations of his little toes.  the vets office also always sends a card which everyone signs.  the words of comfort and memories of my sweet boy they used shows again how loved he was.   my vet tech friend wrote such nice words, knowing pitas whole story and how very much he was loved and how big a hole i have in my heart.

i've had a sick grieving tummy since the day i knew the inevitable.  my tummy is stupid with emotions.  'hey, you're excited about christmas, lets make you uncomfortable for two weeks before".  "hey, i know you're angry at so-and-so, won't it be fun to have a tummy ache as well?"  so, of course i have a tummy ache when my support puppy goes to join my son.  why wouldn't i?  hopefully it goes soon.

i've been sleeping a lot.  like a LOT.  naps are my friend these days, yet i still have to coax my body to stay up at least until 7 or 8.  i'm old so my bedtime is normally 9, but not these days.

i'm glad i signed up for 4 big classes this year, but for right now i'm just downloading and trying to keep up with notes.  yesterday i did start in on my facing forward lesson i was half way finished with in september (?).  and i did a *very* quick journal spread yesterday.  it was a win to just go to the studio!

photo makes it look sadder than it does in person.  

there is fun texture there

my other dog, lucy, had some adjustments to make, and is doing well.  she has started looking for me which she never did before.  she seems more attentive and needs more attention from me as well. i know she misses the doggy play time, because she's starting to be more outgoing with the cat instead of wanting to chew him up and spit him out.

my time on Facebook has been different.  it just doesn't do it for me.  i've started to 'like' posts here and there, but i'm not as outgoing as i used to be, and while i go to check on friends and my art people, i don't stay as long as i used to.  nothing is holding my interest and thats par for the course.  i've been reading when i can concentrate which is good to take my mind off life for a while.  keeps the brain oiled up.

mark has been the hero, as usual.  doing his hero things that he does so well.  he's a good doobie, and i think i'll keep him.

it's an adjustment, all around.  and i'm letting myself do what i need as self care.  day 1, i was pacing the house, cleaning up everything, not knowing what to do next.  the next few days i was glad lucy has a good bladder.  i'm starting to do a bit more around the house here and there. i'm just going with the current of grief.  if all i can do is breathe, then thats better than not-- or so i've been told.

until later,

jenny