Friday, September 1, 2017

blog along- day 1; "whats up, buttercup?"

today is day one of the blog everyday in september challenge posted by effy wild.  she's going to provide us with some writing nudges if we need some help getting started.  i'm SO thankful that effy is doing this this month, so i can get things off my mind and then maybe start thinking of other ways to cope.

the first nudge from effy is to jump in where you are.  whats new, whats going on.

well, i'm going thru some- a lot- of anxiety these days.  some daily anxiety is not uncommon for me, but lately it has been getting in the way of sleep and giving me heart palpitations.

i had a scary incident happen to me on august 24th.  i am new to taking daily walks with my pup.  i started the practice on the july 4th weekend, so this is still pretty new to me.  while walking with lucy pup the other day, a man stopped me and asked me if i wanted to "take a ride".  sure, mister, here i am walking my dog at nine o'clock in the morning, but i really would like to be propositioned by you.  it really freaked me out and triggered some long buried childhood stuff.  i hurried home with lucy, thinking he was following me and now knows where i live.

i've told people and they have varying thoughts about what i should have done, or what they would do in that situation.  what did i actually do?  i asked him to repeat himself, as i honestly was confused by his words.  and he repeated it exactly the same way.  "wanna take a ride?".  and i replied "no thank you".

"no, thank you"???  who says no thank you to a scary guy propositioning you?!

ok, my brain was thinking he MUST just not know how his words sounded.  he couldn't be that creepy.  it's all in my head.  and, if i did something like tell him to go to hell, then i'm the rude one when all he was doing was trying to be nice to me, offering me a ride.  i can't rock the boat.  i can't make a stink.

hubby mark, when he heard of what was actually said, agreed it sounded creepy, and i did exactly the right thing.  that it could have escalated the situation and made it bad for me.  we don't know if he had a gun (probably not) or wanted a struggle or what was going on in his head.  me being polite but firm and walking away was perfect in that situation, and the creep accepted it and moved on.

the next day i started our walk earlier in the morning, hoping to avoid creeps, and ended up getting 'stuck' down by the lake.  it was so foggy that i couldn't see around the lake to make sure i was safe, and i didn't feel safe going back up the road where the incident happened, so i ended up sitting on the concrete steps that go up to a small baseball field to wait for someone i knew to come along.  i waited maybe 10 long minutes, getting more and more freaked out by the situation.

me, freaking out 
and lucy looking beautiful

since then it seems i've been more anxious and worried about people in general.  i'm still walking because it's good for my lucy girl but it's been a struggle getting out of the house with the pup.  i've struggled with some agoraphobia in the past, being afraid to go outside even to my own yard, knowing the neighbors were 'looking at me', and i fear i'm getting close to that place again.  it's a scary place.  a place of paranoia, when i want to live in a place of trust.  but, i'm noticing that i'm trusting my gut more since then, which is a good thing.

we're now having guys coming to give us estimates on some work we need done to the house and i have to deal with it myself, as hubby works long hours.  i don't wanna!  i wasn't too keen to do these things before the creepy guy stopped me, and the feeling is so much more extreme now.  

i'm locking the doors now when i'm home, which is a good idea but something i never did before, and letting lucy bark ferociously when she wants to, when before i wanted her to be polite when people walk in our neighborhood.  just yesterday a young man knocked on our front door and i army crawled out of the living room to get to an area where i would not be seen, letting lucy do her bit to scare off any would-be attacker or 'make nervous-er'.  i'm sure i was quite the sight, and mark would be oh, SO proud to call me his wife at that moment.

i'm also doing a lot of getting ready for my art show at our library in february, which will be here in a blink of an eye, and i'm getting tummy issues because of anxiety from that.  

so, basically i'm just a big ball of freak-out.

add to that the september blues that start my long bout of seasonal affective disorder, and i'm not very fun to be around right now.  at least, thats what my brain tells me.  but, the "dog friends" (owners of said dogs that walk in the mornings, not the dogs themselves) seem to enjoy my company.   

it all reminds me that the inner goings on of people are usually much different than what they portray.  and why i always try to be nice to others.  you never know what they are going thru.

good acting and some liquid courage
gets me thru necessary functions 

until later,


  1. I so resonate with what you wrote here. Creepy encounters can really throw me off, too.

    If it helps, I think a calm, assertive "No, thank you" was exactly the right response, and yeah. We all look okay on the outside, but we never know what's going on on the inside. <3

    1. thanks, my dear effy! that does help, as i still do question my reaction. <3

  2. sending huge courageous love to you ... my heart felt jumpy just reading about.

    1. thanks so much, cynthia, and thanks for reading.

  3. Oh I so understand your polite reaction to the creepy man....When I was a girl of 19 I lived in a not so good area of my town with my baby boy. One evening after many other events that evening, (teething screaming little one, window breaks in the night and I put it down to the wind?!?!?! ) any way I was back in bed, this was about 3am by this point and I heard someone walking up the stairs.....I got out of bed, opened the door and saw someone, I switched on the light, he switched it off and I said "Who are you??, he said " does, **** live here?" I said, No I live here then he said can I use your toilet and I said...can you believe it..."yes, it's that door behind you!!!!" I then ran to a neighbour and he walked out the door I had left open and just left.....!!! Crazy what we do in crazy situations. I blame my mother for bringing me up to be polite!! ...but really?? I hope your anxiety eases up for you....😀

    1. thanks so much for reading. wow, that sounds so scary! and i agree, we were brought up to always be polite. no matter what, i guess, lol. i appreciate your words.

  4. That was creepy! Sending lots of love

    1. thank you for reading and the love. it helps!