the first nudge from effy is to jump in where you are. whats new, whats going on.
well, i'm going thru some- a lot- of anxiety these days. some daily anxiety is not uncommon for me, but lately it has been getting in the way of sleep and giving me heart palpitations.
i had a scary incident happen to me on august 24th. i am new to taking daily walks with my pup. i started the practice on the july 4th weekend, so this is still pretty new to me. while walking with lucy pup the other day, a man stopped me and asked me if i wanted to "take a ride". sure, mister, here i am walking my dog at nine o'clock in the morning, but i really would like to be propositioned by you. it really freaked me out and triggered some long buried childhood stuff. i hurried home with lucy, thinking he was following me and now knows where i live.
i've told people and they have varying thoughts about what i should have done, or what they would do in that situation. what did i actually do? i asked him to repeat himself, as i honestly was confused by his words. and he repeated it exactly the same way. "wanna take a ride?". and i replied "no thank you".
"no, thank you"??? who says no thank you to a scary guy propositioning you?!
ok, my brain was thinking he MUST just not know how his words sounded. he couldn't be that creepy. it's all in my head. and, if i did something like tell him to go to hell, then i'm the rude one when all he was doing was trying to be nice to me, offering me a ride. i can't rock the boat. i can't make a stink.
hubby mark, when he heard of what was actually said, agreed it sounded creepy, and i did exactly the right thing. that it could have escalated the situation and made it bad for me. we don't know if he had a gun (probably not) or wanted a struggle or what was going on in his head. me being polite but firm and walking away was perfect in that situation, and the creep accepted it and moved on.
the next day i started our walk earlier in the morning, hoping to avoid creeps, and ended up getting 'stuck' down by the lake. it was so foggy that i couldn't see around the lake to make sure i was safe, and i didn't feel safe going back up the road where the incident happened, so i ended up sitting on the concrete steps that go up to a small baseball field to wait for someone i knew to come along. i waited maybe 10 long minutes, getting more and more freaked out by the situation.
me, freaking out
and lucy looking beautiful
since then it seems i've been more anxious and worried about people in general. i'm still walking because it's good for my lucy girl but it's been a struggle getting out of the house with the pup. i've struggled with some agoraphobia in the past, being afraid to go outside even to my own yard, knowing the neighbors were 'looking at me', and i fear i'm getting close to that place again. it's a scary place. a place of paranoia, when i want to live in a place of trust. but, i'm noticing that i'm trusting my gut more since then, which is a good thing.
we're now having guys coming to give us estimates on some work we need done to the house and i have to deal with it myself, as hubby works long hours. i don't wanna! i wasn't too keen to do these things before the creepy guy stopped me, and the feeling is so much more extreme now.
i'm locking the doors now when i'm home, which is a good idea but something i never did before, and letting lucy bark ferociously when she wants to, when before i wanted her to be polite when people walk in our neighborhood. just yesterday a young man knocked on our front door and i army crawled out of the living room to get to an area where i would not be seen, letting lucy do her bit to scare off any would-be attacker or 'make nervous-er'. i'm sure i was quite the sight, and mark would be oh, SO proud to call me his wife at that moment.
i'm also doing a lot of getting ready for my art show at our library in february, which will be here in a blink of an eye, and i'm getting tummy issues because of anxiety from that.
so, basically i'm just a big ball of freak-out.
add to that the september blues that start my long bout of seasonal affective disorder, and i'm not very fun to be around right now. at least, thats what my brain tells me. but, the "dog friends" (owners of said dogs that walk in the mornings, not the dogs themselves) seem to enjoy my company.
it all reminds me that the inner goings on of people are usually much different than what they portray. and why i always try to be nice to others. you never know what they are going thru.
good acting and some liquid courage
gets me thru necessary functions