day 3- a belief...

the prompt for today is;
write about something you used to believe that you no longer believe and how that shift in belief has changed things for you.

again, another difficult question for me.  but i think i have found something, a belief, that has shifted over the years.

i used to believe that i could not be an "artist".  that i could not make delicious paintings.  that i could not draw a face.  i believed that i could not get better.  i looked longingly at all the gorgeous art i found online, and was all "i wish..."

in the beginning of my 'wishing', in 2014;

love the quote!

i took those 'i wish' feelings and played at being an artist.  i pretended i could paint.  i pretended i could draw faces.  i pretended i knew color theory.

with that pretending came the shift in belief for me.  maybe it happens that way for everyone, as the law of attraction.

where a quick, just getting placement, sketch will end up these days.
not perfect, but good.

now that i call myself an artist, now that i have a blog and a store and a facebook page for my art, i am more confident in my abilities as an artist.  i no longer say "i can't".  i say "let's see if i can..."  and, if it doesn't work out the way i saw it in my head i know that it's a step in the right direction for me.  it's not a failure for me to try and not have it turn out perfectly the way i saw it in my head.  it's practice, it's dedication.  and it's showing me what doesn't work in order to figure out what does.

pixel kitty approves of this message

this is a month long blog challenge created by my dear artist friend, effy wild.  i am using her prompts, but will state if a topic is my own.  i hope this will get me writing about what makes me tick and better my life while getting things out in the open and off my chest.

until later,

jenny

blog along day 2- what do i really want?

this is a month long blog challenge created by my dear artist friend, effy wild.  i am using her prompts, but will state if a topic is my own.  i hope this will get me writing about what makes me tick and better my life while getting things out in the open and off my chest.



what do i really want?  this is a very big question.  would it be a big question for you?  i've been stewing over this question for most of my life, actually.

it all comes down to "what would make me happy", doesn't it?  and i don't know the answer to that.  for someone with a heap of anxiety, to want something different is to invite change, and change is a scary thing.  what if i choose the wrong thing and i'm stuck with this choice?  and now i'm over thinking this question, so i'll dive right in.  time to have fun and be greedy.

what do i really want?

i want to make art.  i want to make beautiful paintings and help people to smile and think and i want to spread love and joy and peace thru my art.

i want to make some money with my art.  without guilt.  i want to bring in enough money to cover my materials and then some more.  i want to get paid for my time and my work, because it is work.  i want to help mark by bringing in some green, so he doesn't have to worry about all the bills PLUS buying my canvasses and paint and online classes.  i want to help my sweet man and don't want to feel like we are struggling while he works so hard.

i want to move to a warmer and drier climate for my health.  i've got cold urticaria which means i'm literally allergic to cold.   i don't want to freeze my toes off half of the year, but i want to be able to visit my family who lives where we do now.  i'm already too cold in the house and started itching in a different area than normal during our walk yesterday morning when the temp was about 50 degrees.  that means it's getting worse.  i just want to be warm and be able to go for walks like 'normal' people are still doing.

i want to be able to travel the world.  or at least the united states.  why was i put on this beautiful planet if i am not allowed to see it?  i've got an itch to see the beauty that is this amazing, magical marble in space.  i want adventure and new experiences.  hubby and i now have a national park passport book that i'd like to fill with date stamps and memories with my sweet man.

i want to fit in.  i want to feel accepted and valued as i am.

i want a tribe that i can go to, in real life, that talks and listens and dances and plays and laughs and cries together.  i want these people to be my family, baking bread and loving on each others children, grandchildren, and animals as their own.

i want to be strong.  in body, spirit, and mind.  i think the art helps with this.  it is getting me out of my comfort zone, talking to people, getting me out of my bubble of safety.  i think the writing will help make my thoughts more clear, so i can figure out what i really want.

until later,
jenny

blog along- day 1; "whats up, buttercup?"

today is day one of the blog everyday in september challenge posted by effy wild.  she's going to provide us with some writing nudges if we need some help getting started.  i'm SO thankful that effy is doing this this month, so i can get things off my mind and then maybe start thinking of other ways to cope.

the first nudge from effy is to jump in where you are.  whats new, whats going on.


well, i'm going thru some- a lot- of anxiety these days.  some daily anxiety is not uncommon for me, but lately it has been getting in the way of sleep and giving me heart palpitations.

i had a scary incident happen to me on august 24th.  i am new to taking daily walks with my pup.  i started the practice on the july 4th weekend, so this is still pretty new to me.  while walking with lucy pup the other day, a man stopped me and asked me if i wanted to "take a ride".  sure, mister, here i am walking my dog at nine o'clock in the morning, but i really would like to be propositioned by you.  it really freaked me out and triggered some long buried childhood stuff.  i hurried home with lucy, thinking he was following me and now knows where i live.

i've told people and they have varying thoughts about what i should have done, or what they would do in that situation.  what did i actually do?  i asked him to repeat himself, as i honestly was confused by his words.  and he repeated it exactly the same way.  "wanna take a ride?".  and i replied "no thank you".

"no, thank you"???  who says no thank you to a scary guy propositioning you?!

ok, my brain was thinking he MUST just not know how his words sounded.  he couldn't be that creepy.  it's all in my head.  and, if i did something like tell him to go to hell, then i'm the rude one when all he was doing was trying to be nice to me, offering me a ride.  i can't rock the boat.  i can't make a stink.

hubby mark, when he heard of what was actually said, agreed it sounded creepy, and i did exactly the right thing.  that it could have escalated the situation and made it bad for me.  we don't know if he had a gun (probably not) or wanted a struggle or what was going on in his head.  me being polite but firm and walking away was perfect in that situation, and the creep accepted it and moved on.

the next day i started our walk earlier in the morning, hoping to avoid creeps, and ended up getting 'stuck' down by the lake.  it was so foggy that i couldn't see around the lake to make sure i was safe, and i didn't feel safe going back up the road where the incident happened, so i ended up sitting on the concrete steps that go up to a small baseball field to wait for someone i knew to come along.  i waited maybe 10 long minutes, getting more and more freaked out by the situation.

me, freaking out 

and lucy looking beautiful

since then it seems i've been more anxious and worried about people in general.  i'm still walking because it's good for my lucy girl but it's been a struggle getting out of the house with the pup.  i've struggled with some agoraphobia in the past, being afraid to go outside even to my own yard, knowing the neighbors were 'looking at me', and i fear i'm getting close to that place again.  it's a scary place.  a place of paranoia, when i want to live in a place of trust.  but, i'm noticing that i'm trusting my gut more since then, which is a good thing.

we're now having guys coming to give us estimates on some work we need done to the house and i have to deal with it myself, as hubby works long hours.  i don't wanna!  i wasn't too keen to do these things before the creepy guy stopped me, and the feeling is so much more extreme now.  

i'm locking the doors now when i'm home, which is a good idea but something i never did before, and letting lucy bark ferociously when she wants to, when before i wanted her to be polite when people walk in our neighborhood.  just yesterday a young man knocked on our front door and i army crawled out of the living room to get to an area where i would not be seen, letting lucy do her bit to scare off any would-be attacker or 'make nervous-er'.  i'm sure i was quite the sight, and mark would be oh, SO proud to call me his wife at that moment.

i'm also doing a lot of getting ready for my art show at our library in february, which will be here in a blink of an eye, and i'm getting tummy issues because of anxiety from that.  

so, basically i'm just a big ball of freak-out.

add to that the september blues that start my long bout of seasonal affective disorder, and i'm not very fun to be around right now.  at least, thats what my brain tells me.  but, the "dog friends" (owners of said dogs that walk in the mornings, not the dogs themselves) seem to enjoy my company.   

it all reminds me that the inner goings on of people are usually much different than what they portray.  and why i always try to be nice to others.  you never know what they are going thru.

good acting and some liquid courage

gets me thru necessary functions 

until later,

jenny