dream painting

i have gotten my hands painty!  this is HUGE!  i don't think i've painted since september?  something like that.

this painting will be symbolic of a dream i had the night before.  i woke knowing it was an important message from winter-orion and should be represented as a canvas so to never forget.

the following is taken directly (edited a little for clarity) from my dream journal, where i jot down the important or cryptic dreams i have and then interpret them from a book i have and from internet sites if i feel it needs more information.

"i just now (2:30pm) remembered i had a winter dream last night.  can't remember much, but it was set by his place of death, by the bridge that crosses the river and canal.  young winter (about age 7 or so) crossed the river, walking thru the shallow water, then came back toward me over the bridge and a mama bear was with him.
i wish i remembered any other details from this dream.  i woke up with it fresh in my mind and knew i must write it down, but was too tired.  i also thought that bear means protector of children and family?

from book- bear often represents mother.  can represent our ability to recreate ourselves after a period of rest and reflection.

my thoughts- winter crossed the river easily then came back to me via a bridge with a bear.  the ABILITY for me to see he is ok and can still visit.  it is a good thing for me to recreate myself after this hibernation.

from whats-your-sign.com 
bear is a consummate mother, caring for her young with observable devotion.  bear is a symbol of motherhood and child protection.  (winter is ok, he is safe)
celtic goddess artio is bear goddess who represents the transformation of seasons.  she is said to conjure winter when she needs rest.  upon waking, artio is said to summon summer."

so, i was blown away by the symbology of just one or two elements in this remembered snippet of dream.  the bridge meaning to me transitions to the other side (or back).  and the bear who is a protector, who says it's ok to rest and reinvent yourself, who conjures winter!

i know this was the important part of the dream and i'm not unhappy that i can't recall the rest of it, and i knew that having a reminder of this important communication would help me during the seasonal ebbs i have when just getting off the couch is a struggle.

so, yesterday i painted a background, and today i have sketched my mama bear

i'm hoping that this painting will remind me of bear symbolism and reestablish that my hibernation is just a season.    i need a bit of hope to tide me over till the spring crocus bloom again.

until later,
jenny

a stress reliever

i've noticed i'm pretty burnt out with painting. i start one and it doesn't go smoothly and i get stressed and lose the muse with my idea so start another one with the same result. it's the stress of expecting each painting to be presentable for the show in february. i can't paint with that expectation on me, so i've decided to let myself off the hook with painting on canvas until after i'm set up for the show! that should cover THAT anxiety. but, i've been waking in the middle of the night with show anxiety and having to go downstairs. just need to concentrate on my tasks and get myself to the finish line.

i have 17 canvasses that are ready to show.  that is, i'm not fiddling with details on them anymore and they are varnished.  of those, i think only one has wire for hanging.  we never got to that over the weekend, so i must wire 16 canvasses sooner rather than later.

i also have to make sure i know each canvas size and calculate their price point.  math and i are like oil and water, so i will do the calculations and bring them to the hubster to verify.  

honestly 17 is a reasonable amount of paintings to show.  they are of differing sizes and prices, and i'm sure they will show well as a group.   i don't need to worry about the amount of paintings, i have enough and there have been shows with less on the walls.  i also need to remember that i will have 20 of my mini canvasses there as well.  my art will be well represented.

i realize it's only october, so i have 3 months before crunch time starts, but my mental health warrants i get these tasks done as soon as possible so i know there are no loose ends to concern my head about.  that the only worries i will have are the ones i make up.  

honey told me the other night after i told him i was stressing, "you know,  only like 30 people will see your paintings. it's a small room in a small library.  more people see them when you post them to Facebook!".  he's right.  i know he's right, but there is something more personal when someone can get real close to your paintings and scrutinize them or touch them (which i hope they don't!).  i feel more vulnerable sending them out into the world like that for a whole month.  but, like myself, they must grow up and see where life takes them.



my birthday went well.  sweetie took the day off to be with me on my special day.  i woke ridiculously early and went outside as the full moon was calling.  the first sight that caught my eye when i went out the door was the constellation orion, which represents my son, winter-orion.  it was a very sweet birthday greeting from him, and i felt it to my bones!

after saying good morning to winter and grandmother moon and resisting the urge to howl (your welcome, neighbors!), i went to my spot on the couch to grab my laptop, finding a card from sweetie on the computer instead.  my smiles were great at 3:30 in the morning!

sweetie took me to get my hair cut, a very short style i am so happy with, and to spend my gift card from michaels.  i got some yummy colors from golden acrylics, some varnish and some fun washi tapes that will look nice hidden in some future paintings!  i went to sallies beauty supply and bought some pink hair color to get me smiling again, and on sunday we saw 'evil dead, the musical', which was raunchy, messy fun.

and, today i pink-ified my hair!

yes, color is my happy place!

until later,
jenny

getting out of my head

i've been taking a breather.  or, rather, trying to breathe.  as i've mentioned, it's a rough time in my head usually starting in september, so i'm in the process of going thru the motions of living.  i don't do prescription meds.  i've gone that route and they don't help me and the side effects i have make matters worse.  believe me, i wish they worked, i'd love to not feel this.  i should have a therapist, but... don't.  i've gone that route, too, and while it's nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of and have an outsiders opinion about how i self sabotage and how i can come up with better solutions, it gets costly, it gets repetitive, and i don't wanna.

during my little break from this 'daily' blog challenge, i have been taking walks with the pup, netflix binging, and varnishing a few paintings for my show, which really needed to be a priority.  i'm just about done with varnishing my completed paintings, and then priority will be on wiring them for hanging.  i think i will try to tie mark up with that task on sunday if he will sit still long enough for that.

i've been feeling like such a drain on him these last few weeks.  very needy and want-y and if i told him all the things my brain thinks and feels i fear he would go running far, far away.  he knows most of it, as i'm pretty open with my fears.  they've taken over my dreams and created a monster at times.

part of this is left overs from my previous relationship, where he would go off and do 'his thing' while i was home with the kids, barefoot and pregnant.  i have abandonment issues, serious ones.  but, i don't want to be that person anymore.  i want my man to be happy!  he works so hard and deserves his down time.

anyway, i finally got a glimpse of interest in creating when my latest class in lets face it with kara bullock came into my inbox.  this class got my muse excited again, and i went to my trusty unsplash account to find inspiration for a new painting.  i found a photo of a girl that spoke to me and that has hands and glasses like in karas class.  i had ideas for it, and incorporated other elements for some healing to come thru the painting.

the painting is to be called "focus on the light" and will have elements of light and a bird with emotional healing as its spiritual meaning.

in my sketchbook

preliminary sketch on the canvas

i'll be working on this in the next few days as i follow my muse, body and mind.  i'm glad for these classes, as usually if i'm in a dark frame of mind but the body is feeling ok, i can just watch a video and the muse will get the itch to slap some paint around.  i can watch for 10 minutes and then go into the studio and play.  unless i'm painting something very detailed that needs a brain, i can change my mood for a while.  beginning paintings is always fun.  backgrounds are great.

this painting is rare for me in that i have most of it already thought of before putting paint on canvas.  usually they evolve while painting.  guess i needed the symbolism of light at this moment.

until later,
jenny